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Author Topic: jokes  (Read 538 times)
smile4me
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« on: Mon 24 August, 2009 - 08:18 pm »

 senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
 
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
 

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
 
 
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"  
 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The Irish Millionaire
 

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
The end of the program had already won $500,000.
 
'You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant the show's presenter,
But for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left: phone a
Friend.
 
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'
 
'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!'
 
Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
 
A) Sparrow
B) Thrush
C) Magpie
D)Cuckoo
 
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone
Me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.'
 
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the
Question to him.
 
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy, 'Dat's simple.......it's a cuckoo.'
 
'Are you sure?'
 
'I'm fookin sure.'
 
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit the Cuckoo as me answer.'
 
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris'
 
'Dat it is, Sir.'
 
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
The correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
 
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.'
 
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did ya know it was DA Cuckoo that
Don't build its own nest?'
 
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock ya igit!'
 
 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
 

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
 
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
 
 
 
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
 
 
 
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
 
 
 
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
 
 
 
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
 
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
 

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-DA-bul.'
 
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
 He replied, "She called Four Horse".  
 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
 
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"  
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..
 
 The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
 
 While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
 
 The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old b***h what it is."
 
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Brain
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« Reply #1 on: Mon 24 August, 2009 - 09:31 pm »

 
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smile4me
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« Reply #2 on: Mon 24 August, 2009 - 10:19 pm »

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man.

'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi"
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pebbles
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« Reply #3 on: Tue 25 August, 2009 - 09:12 pm »

 
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