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The Fat Controller™
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« Reply #100 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 10:56 am »

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« Reply #101 on: Wed 7 October, 2009 - 11:07 pm »

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.
 
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,

let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
 
She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'


(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
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« Reply #102 on: Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:20 pm »

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM
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« Reply #103 on: Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:29 pm »

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« Reply #104 on: Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:55 pm »

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« Reply #105 on: Mon 12 October, 2009 - 05:05 pm »

 















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« Reply #106 on: Mon 12 October, 2009 - 09:51 pm »

 
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« Reply #107 on: Tue 13 October, 2009 - 07:19 pm »

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once ------- by mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Ken said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, Ken," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath Ken said, "I do!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,  "Take the poison."

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« Reply #108 on: Tue 13 October, 2009 - 07:25 pm »

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
 
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
Cool "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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« Reply #109 on: Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:02 pm »

The Two nuns.
This is Brilliant


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little
while later...
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.




SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
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« Reply #110 on: Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:11 pm »

 
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« Reply #111 on: Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:53 pm »

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw the lady in the cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Nanny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around for a cheaper one. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mummy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mummy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister .........''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the shops.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mummy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.....'

'I love my mummy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!''

'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mummy could give it to my sister . He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much.... But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

'My mummy loves white roses.'

As I saw the old lady returning, I left with my basket as to not cause a scene.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started...

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. 
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical
state. The family had to decide whether to remove the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever..... The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Send this message to others, or

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.


For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us.... go ahead and delete this... For the rest of us... pass this on...

The value of a man or woman resides in what he or she gives, not in what they are capable of receiving
 
 
 
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« Reply #112 on: Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:55 pm »

ok i know thats not a joke but i thought it was lovely,it made me cry and i thought you all might enjoy it too
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« Reply #113 on: Thu 15 October, 2009 - 04:48 pm »

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a
twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.





      Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and
shouted, 'Let's go.'





      The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over
the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires
on the hillsides.'





      'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable
News,' he responded.  'And I need to get some close up shots.'

      The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.  Finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight
Instructor?

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« Reply #114 on: Thu 15 October, 2009 - 08:26 pm »

 
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« Reply #115 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:18 am »

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my
car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts
to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down
looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"
 
  Nursery Rhymes won't die out if we keep them updated.


The future of nursery rhyme

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
No doubt, it's Global Warming.
 
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry..
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay..

Jack and Jill 
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill , the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill 
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

 
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« Reply #116 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:22 am »

 Brought to you by dab     brilliant   
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« Reply #117 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:27 am »

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« Reply #118 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 12:09 pm »

Mary had a little Lamb,
it's fleece was Black as Charcoal.
Every time it jumped a Fence.
Sparks flew out his ahole.

 
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« Reply #119 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:45 pm »

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« Reply #120 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:46 pm »

mary had a little lamb
she allso had a duck
she put them on the mantel piece
to see if they would f f f f f
ffffall off.....
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« Reply #121 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:53 pm »

Mary had a little lamb
that wouldn't stop it's bleatin'
she took it down the garden path
and kicked it's f**king teeth in

 eek 
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« Reply #122 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:55 pm »

 


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« Reply #123 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 06:19 pm »

 
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« Reply #124 on: Fri 16 October, 2009 - 10:38 pm »

 
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« Reply #125 on: Sat 17 October, 2009 - 06:00 pm »

Mary had a little lamb
that wouldn't stop it's bleatin'
she took it down the garden path
and kicked it's f**king teeth in

 eek 


  eek
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« Reply #126 on: Mon 19 October, 2009 - 01:27 pm »

A police officer pulled a car over on State Highway 1 about 2 km south of Hamilton.

When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Auckland to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A well and truelly drunk boy, from Hamilton, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."


 
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« Reply #127 on: Mon 19 October, 2009 - 03:22 pm »

funny!
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« Reply #128 on: Tue 27 October, 2009 - 01:05 pm »

A man boarded an airplane in Melbourne with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Melbourne, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...



 
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« Reply #129 on: Wed 28 October, 2009 - 07:00 pm »

A man is driving down the road and breaks
down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >



                              The monks graciously accept him, feed him
dinner, and even fix his car. As the man
tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
monks what the sound was, but they say, We
can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way. Some
years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks again accept him, feed him, and
even fix his car..

                              >


                              >

                              That night, he hears the same strange
mesmerizing sound that he had heard years
earlier.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The next morning, he asks what the sound
was, but the monks reply,

                              We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man says, all right, all right. I'm
dying to know.

                              If the only way I can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?


                              >

                              The monks reply, you must travel the earth
and tell us how many blades of grass there
are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become
a monk.

                              >

                              > >

                              The man sets about his task.. Some
forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, I have travelled the earth and devoted
my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth.


                              >
                              >

                              >

                              The monks reply,! congratulations, you are
correct, and you are now considered ! a monk
..

                              We shall now show you the way to the sound.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks lead the man to a wooden door,
where the head monk says, the sound is
behind that door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man reach for the knob, but the door is
locked. He asks, May I have th! e key
                              >



                              The monks give him the key, and he opens the
door.

                              >

                              >

                              Behind the wooden door is another door made
of stone... The man requests the key to the
stone door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. And so it went on until
the man had gone through doors of
emerald,...

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              Finally, the monks say, This is the key to
the last door .

                              >


                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man is relieved to be at the end.. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is astonished to find the
source of that strange sound. It is truly an
amazing and unbelievable sight

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              .. But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.



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« Reply #130 on: Thu 29 October, 2009 - 10:11 am »

you f**ker!!!


 
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« Reply #131 on: Thu 29 October, 2009 - 10:13 am »

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

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« Reply #132 on: Thu 29 October, 2009 - 12:04 pm »

A man is driving down the road and breaks
down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >



                              The monks graciously accept him, feed him
dinner, and even fix his car. As the man
tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
monks what the sound was, but they say, We
can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way. Some
years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks again accept him, feed him, and
even fix his car..

                              >


                              >

                              That night, he hears the same strange
mesmerizing sound that he had heard years
earlier.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The next morning, he asks what the sound
was, but the monks reply,

                              We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man says, all right, all right. I'm
dying to know.

                              If the only way I can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?


                              >

                              The monks reply, you must travel the earth
and tell us how many blades of grass there
are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become
a monk.

                              >

                              > >

                              The man sets about his task.. Some
forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, I have travelled the earth and devoted
my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth.


                              >
                              >

                              >

                              The monks reply,! congratulations, you are
correct, and you are now considered ! a monk
..

                              We shall now show you the way to the sound.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks lead the man to a wooden door,
where the head monk says, the sound is
behind that door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man reach for the knob, but the door is
locked. He asks, May I have th! e key
                              >



                              The monks give him the key, and he opens the
door.

                              >

                              >

                              Behind the wooden door is another door made
of stone... The man requests the key to the
stone door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. And so it went on until
the man had gone through doors of
emerald,...

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              Finally, the monks say, This is the key to
the last door .

                              >


                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man is relieved to be at the end.. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is astonished to find the
source of that strange sound. It is truly an
amazing and unbelievable sight

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              .. But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.





 eek           arrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh  no fair!!   
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« Reply #133 on: Tue 3 November, 2009 - 07:19 pm »

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
 
 Mick says “how you doin’?”
 
 Paddy says “do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
 
 Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .
 
 He says “your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you.”
 
 They say “get away wit ya.. prove it.”
 
 Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”
 
 Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what's the point of fokin’ one?”
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« Reply #134 on: Tue 3 November, 2009 - 07:40 pm »

 
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« Reply #135 on: Tue 3 November, 2009 - 08:14 pm »

 

 
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« Reply #136 on: Wed 4 November, 2009 - 07:17 am »

It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms  Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was  After Eight. She was from Quality Street ; he was an Old Jamaican.  They  walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.

They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had A Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said 'Sure...Take 5 '. They  Decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.

On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero.
He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.

She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on.  He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! ' At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole', she said. 'And I'm the one with the Nuts', he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They felt Smooth & Creamy.  He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.

They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & nuts, But then she said 'Stop!'

He thought she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard .

He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising... So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled Over for a Flake.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.


Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V...D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.
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« Reply #137 on: Wed 4 November, 2009 - 07:19 am »

eek
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« Reply #138 on: Thu 5 November, 2009 - 12:34 pm »

senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newsagent loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newsagent employee, "today is Saturday.

The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,



"Well f**k me dead ... that's why no one was at church today"...
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« Reply #139 on: Fri 6 November, 2009 - 06:26 pm »

 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
 things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
 published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
 these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
 sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me?
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
 attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Guess.
 _____________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
 people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
 to rephrase that?
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
 autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 
 And the best for last:
 
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
 pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
 began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
 practicing law
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« Reply #140 on: Sat 7 November, 2009 - 05:04 am »

oral
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« Reply #141 on: Sat 7 November, 2009 - 06:50 am »

how to be annoying online1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the f**king manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

DormitoryWhen you rearrange the letters:Dirty Room EvangelistWhen you rearrange the letters:Evil's Agent DesperationWhen you rearrange the letters:A Rope Ends It The Morse CodeWhen you rearrange the letters:Here Come Dots Slot MachinesWhen you rearrange the letters:Cash in 'em AnimosityWhen you rearrange the letters:Is No Amity Mother-in-lawWhen you rearrange the letters:Woman Hitler Snooze AlarmsWhen you rearrange the letters:Alas! No More Z's A Decimal PointWhen you rearrange the letters:I'm a Dot in Place Eleven plus twoWhen you rearrange the letters:Twelve plus one And for the grand finale:PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USAIt can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and usingeach letter only once) into:TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am'
is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? What hair colour do they put on the passports of bald men? If European mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. Ever wonder about those people who spend £ 1...00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making
a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one in 5 enjoys it? Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo? If a shop is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."..... Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession." Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

A Young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"' The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more it is sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said That her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even More.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she Pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched Made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap."

Answerphone in a mental Hospital


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line

so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the

mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you

which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no

one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a

representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,

date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y

press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or

before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory

loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have

short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to

talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't

be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


   
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I
WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.




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« Reply #142 on: Mon 9 November, 2009 - 11:58 am »

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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« Reply #143 on: Mon 9 November, 2009 - 12:02 pm »

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« Reply #144 on: Mon 9 November, 2009 - 06:26 pm »

 
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« Reply #145 on: Mon 9 November, 2009 - 06:33 pm »

 
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« Reply #146 on: Wed 11 November, 2009 - 07:48 pm »

   An  Irish man went to confession  in St. Patrick's  Catholic  Church. 
'Father',  he confessed, 'it has  been one month since my  last confession. I had sex with  Fanny Green  twice last month.'
The  priest told  the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go  out and say three Hail  Mary's.'
Soon  thereafter, another Irish man entered  the  confessional. 'Father, it has been two months   since my last confession. I've had sex with  Fanny  Green twice a week for the past two  months.'
This  time, the priest questioned,  'Who is this Fanny  Green?'
'A new woman in  the neighborhood,' the sinner  replied.
'Very  well,' sighed the priest. Go and say  ten Hail  Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the   priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a   tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous  redheaded  woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes  of every man in  the church fell upon her as she  slowly sashayed up the  aisle and sat down  right   in  front of the  priest. Her dress was green and  very short, and she wore  matching, shiny  emerald-green shoes.
The priest and  the altar  boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and   matching green shoes sat with her legs spread   slightly apart, but just enough to realize she   wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest  turned  to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that  Fanny  Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't  believe his  ears but managed to calmly reply,  'No Father,  I  think it's just a  reflection from  her shoes'.   
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« Reply #147 on: Wed 11 November, 2009 - 07:52 pm »

 
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« Reply #148 on: Wed 11 November, 2009 - 08:00 pm »

 
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« Reply #149 on: Wed 11 November, 2009 - 09:18 pm »

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