Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
Tue 12 December, 2017 - 01:35 pm
Home Help Login Register Chat Personal Messages Logout
News: Questions & Answers


+  Last Post
|-+  General Category
| |-+  Fun Stuff
| | |-+  Joke Of The Day:
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 ... 10 Go Down Print
Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 63953 times)
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #150 on: Fri 13 November, 2009 - 06:19 pm »

on top!

If you
> > yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
> > would have produced enough sound energy to heat
> > one cup of coffee.
> > (Hardly
> > seems worth it.)
> >
> >
> > If
> > you farted consistently for 6 years and 9
> > months, enough gas is produced to create the
> > energy of an atomic bomb.
> > (Now
> > that's more like it!)
> >
> >
> > The
> > human heart creates enough pressure when it
> > pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30
> > feet.
> > (O.M.G.!)
> >
> >
> >
> > A
> > pig's orgasm lasts 30
> > minutes.
> > (In
> > my next life, I want to be a
> > pig.)
> >
> >
> >
> > A cockro
> > ach will live nine days without its head before
> > it starves to death.
> > (Creepy.)
> > (I'm
> > still not over the pig.)
> >
> >
> >
> > Banging
> > your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
> > hour
> >
> > (Don't
> > try this at home,maybe at
> > work)
> >
> >
> >
> > The male
> > praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
> > attached to its body. The female initiates sex
> > by ripping the male's head
> > off.
> > (Honey,
> > I'm home. What the...?!)
> >
> >
> >
> > The flea
> > can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
> > human jumping the length of a football
> > field.
> >
> > (30
> > minutes..lucky pig! Can you
> > imagine?)
> >
> >
> > The
> > catfish has over 27,000 taste
> > buds.
> >
> > (What could
> > be so tasty on the bottom of a
> > pond?
> >
> >
> >
> > Some
> > lions mate over 50 times a
> > day.
> > (Ok,
> > I'm going off the 'pig' idea a
> > bit)
> >
> > Butterflies
> > taste with their feet.
> >
> > (Something I
> > always wanted to know.)
> >
> >
> > The
> > strongest muscle in the body is the
> > tongue.(Hmmmmmm.......)
> >
> >
> >
> > Right-handed
> > people live, on average, nine years longer than
> > left-handed people.
> >
> > (If
> > you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> > difference?)
> >
> >
> >
> > Elephants
> > are the only animals that cannot
> > jump.
> > (Okay, so
> > that would be a good thing)
> >
> >
> > A
> > cat's urine glows under a black
> > light.
> >
> > (I
> > wonder who was paid to figure that
> > out?)
> >
> > An
> > ostrich's eye is bigger than its
> > brain.
> > (I
> > know some people like that.)
> >
> > Starfish
> > have no brains
> >
> > (I know some
> > people like that too.)
> >
> > Polar
> > bears are left-handed.
> >
> > (If
> > they switch, they'll live a lot
> > longer)
> >
> >
> >
> > Humans
> > and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> > for pleasure.
> >
> > (What
> > about that pig??)]

« Last Edit: Fri 13 November, 2009 - 06:21 pm by smurf » Logged
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1376
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,957


« Reply #151 on: Sat 14 November, 2009 - 10:14 am »

 
Logged
PaganRaven
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1062
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 43,940


earth is not home to me


« Reply #152 on: Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:03 pm »

The $2 Pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a $2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question... What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? '

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that bloody thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 
Logged

I can hear the raven sing .... a spiritual glow envelops, medicine power develops ... as the raven sings.
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #153 on: Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:07 pm »

twenty tree... that be nineteen more times  .... lucky Mary 


Logged
PaganRaven
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1062
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 43,940


earth is not home to me


« Reply #154 on: Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:47 pm »

                   
Logged

I can hear the raven sing .... a spiritual glow envelops, medicine power develops ... as the raven sings.
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,500


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #155 on: Mon 23 November, 2009 - 08:02 am »

 Brought to you by dab   @ archies comment
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #156 on: Mon 23 November, 2009 - 02:45 pm »

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"


 
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #157 on: Mon 23 November, 2009 - 11:06 pm »

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.



Stupid b***h...why else would I buy dog food??
Logged
Stu
Site Admin
******

Karma: 1527
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 49,824


AssHoly Internet Bastard


« Reply #158 on: Mon 23 November, 2009 - 11:08 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #159 on: Mon 30 November, 2009 - 11:09 am »

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
Logged
Stu
Site Admin
******

Karma: 1527
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 49,824


AssHoly Internet Bastard


« Reply #160 on: Mon 30 November, 2009 - 12:57 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,500


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #161 on: Tue 1 December, 2009 - 01:56 pm »

 Brought to you by dab  bugger!
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #162 on: Thu 3 December, 2009 - 04:58 pm »


A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!!
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #163 on: Sun 6 December, 2009 - 03:04 pm »


A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!!


 Brought to you by dab   K for that one Elffy!
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #164 on: Sun 6 December, 2009 - 03:06 pm »

3 guys go to a ski lodge, not enough rooms, they have to share a bed. In the mid of the night, the guy on the right wakes up & says, I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! The guy on the left wakes up, & unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up & says, That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #165 on: Sun 6 December, 2009 - 04:22 pm »

  k bak atcha
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #166 on: Sun 6 December, 2009 - 04:36 pm »

   yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #167 on: Mon 7 December, 2009 - 11:05 am »

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

 
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #168 on: Mon 7 December, 2009 - 07:21 pm »

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks...

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET
Logged
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1376
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,957


« Reply #169 on: Mon 7 December, 2009 - 07:46 pm »

 
Logged
PaganRaven
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1062
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 43,940


earth is not home to me


« Reply #170 on: Tue 8 December, 2009 - 07:40 am »

  nice
Logged

I can hear the raven sing .... a spiritual glow envelops, medicine power develops ... as the raven sings.
Re-instated Gov
Supreme Master
*****

Karma: 295
Offline Offline

Posts: 2,862


... off you go then. And don't forget my tea!


« Reply #171 on: Tue 8 December, 2009 - 10:31 am »

 yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #172 on: Sat 12 December, 2009 - 11:30 am »

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer... EVERY one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen must have been female reindeer.

We should have known, that ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and

* not get lost *
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #173 on: Sat 12 December, 2009 - 01:15 pm »

ONIONS &  CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
' Dad , how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The  father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, they are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make  you cry'.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the  daughter said,
' Mum , how many kinds of 'willies' are  there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After 50, it is like a Chris tmas Tree'.

'A Chris tmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #174 on: Sat 12 December, 2009 - 01:24 pm »

This is a PC Christmas 2009, not a Christmas as it used to be.
 

 

New Christmas Carol Guidelines

 

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
NativityScene.jpg
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro- fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
jbells3.gif
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
WatchingShephards.jpg
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.


Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
donkey.gif
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.

To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
ThreeWisemen.jpg
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.


We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks.

Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel’s hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

merry-rudolph.gif
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #175 on: Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:34 pm »

THE  PARROT



              A woman went to a pet shop & immediately



              Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..



              There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.



              "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.



              The owner looked at her and said,



              "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of Prostitution



              And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

              The woman thought about this, but decided



              She had to have the bird any way.



              She took it home and hung the bird's cage up



              In her living room and waited for it to say something.



              The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,





              "New house, new madam."

              The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,



              But then thought "that's really not so bad."



              When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school



              The bird saw and said,



              "New house, new madam, new girls."



              The girls and the woman were a bit offended



              But then began to laugh about the situation



              Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.



              Moments later, the woman's husband Keith



              Came home from work.



              The bird looked at him and said,






              "Hi, Keith!"




Logged
Jericho
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 70
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1,617


i know nuffink


« Reply #176 on: Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:38 pm »

   Brought to you by dab 
Logged

The definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different.
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,500


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #177 on: Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:43 pm »

    that would twist ya knickers a tad
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #178 on: Mon 14 December, 2009 - 11:11 am »

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #179 on: Mon 14 December, 2009 - 01:31 pm »

 
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #180 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 02:24 pm »

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

Logged
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #181 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 02:39 pm »

 Brought to you by dab 
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,500


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #182 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:27 pm »

that's not funny   


but this is:


Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.


He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.


He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"


He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,


Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.


He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker... He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:


"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #183 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:50 pm »

   thats hilarious Whiz!
Logged
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #184 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:54 pm »

       Brought to you by dab      Brought to you by dab
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
Stu
Site Admin
******

Karma: 1527
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 49,824


AssHoly Internet Bastard


« Reply #185 on: Tue 15 December, 2009 - 09:34 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #186 on: Wed 16 December, 2009 - 12:30 pm »

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

  Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 

 to give them a bigger laugh..
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #187 on: Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:18 pm »

An actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Fast Food Restaurant

...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
 
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes.? Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

And yes, this was actually written by Greg Bulmash ©1997!


1999 Darwin Awards

One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the genepool. So here are the runners-up for this year's award.

    * (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.
       
      His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
       
    *  (11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
       
    * (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.

      The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
       
    * (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal  is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
       
    * (1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
       
    * (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.

    The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

    * (28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ...

    * (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance.  Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng.
       
      Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard.  He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping
      on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
       
      Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

    * (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. 

    Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,  the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #188 on: Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:30 pm »

(Poland, 2009) One day a young man living in Wroclaw received a letter in a large envelope. One look and he knew it was THAT letter. In Poland, when a man turns 18 he must allow the medical commission to determine whether he is healthy enough to serve his country.

There are ways to avoid being conscripted. For instance, being enrolled in higher education, or providing sole financial support for a child, or suffering a serious handicap. Our boy was completely healthy, had no kids, and was not smart enough to continue his education. In short, he was destined to serve his country. And he was determined to avoid it.

The medical commission has four categories:
# A: In good health, and able to serve in the Army.
# D: Able to serve only during wartime.
# E: Completely unable to serve, even during war.
# B: Temporarily unable to pass the medical exam; e.g., recovering from an accident but expected to return to full health. B candidates must attend another medical commission in 12 months.

Our hero wanted another 12 months to find some way of cheating the Army. But how?

While playing with his cat, our hero was accidentally scratched, and bang! The idea was formed. A few serious scratches and stitches would qualify him for a deferrment. Our man decided that a small cat was not enough for him, which leads us to the Wroclaw zoo.

The incidental spectators watched in amazement as our hero strode toward the lion cage, reached inside, and started yelling at a large male lion. Provoking any animal to attack is definitely one of the dumber ideas a person might have. The King of Cats looked in amusement upon the small human being stubbornly trying to provoke a predator. But when the small human pulled its mane, the cat decided that such insolence must be punished.

Our man's plan worked better than he expected. He received not a B, but an E, ensuring that he will never be in the Army. The irate lion, you see, did not simply scratch the idiot. It used its powerful jaws to bite the man's arm off. This story was presented on Polish TV when the amputee sued his insurance company for failure to pay for the missing arm. The company asserted that it does not cover the loss of a limb due to the bite of a provoked lion.

Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #189 on: Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:31 pm »

MEDICAL REPORT: I was a nurse on a busy surgical unit, and I received a report that a young patient was arriving with "severe penile lacerations." I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself. The 21-year-old patient confided that, upset by his girlfriend's unwillingness to have intimate relations, he had romanced a flower vase. Alas, in the heat of the moment the bud vase shattered, lacerating his penis.

He required emergency surgery. Afterward, the urologist told us that the boy would require a catheter for weeks, and he was unsure if his mojo would be functional. I felt sorry for the kid, but did laugh when I saw his girlfriend walking down the hall, bringing flowers.
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #190 on: Thu 17 December, 2009 - 12:04 pm »

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's s**t . that's right, s**t!
s**t may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 
You can smoke s**t, buy s**t, sell s**t, lose s**t, find s**t, forget s**t, and tell others to eat s**t.

 
Some people know their s**t, while others can't tell the difference between s**t and shineola...

There are lucky s**ts, dumb s**ts, and crazy s**ts. There is bull s**t, horse s**t, and chicken s**t.
 You can throw s**t, sling s**t, catch s**t, shoot the s**t, or duck when the s**t hits the fan.
 
You can give a s**t or serve s**t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep s**t or be happier than a pig in s**t.
 
Some days are colder than s**t, some days are hotter than s**t, and some days are just plain s**tty.

Some music sounds like s**t, things can look like s**t, and there are times when you feel like s**t.

 
You can have too much s**t, not enough s**t, the right s**t, the wrong s**t or a lot of weird s**t.

You can carry s**t, have a mountain of s**t, or find yourself up s**t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to s**t and other times you fall in a bucket of s**t and come out smelling like a rose.
 
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your s**t, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a s**t; or not do so if you don't give a s**t!

Well, s**t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a s**t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of s**t. But, if you happened to catch a load of s**t from some s**t-head...........

Well, s**t Happens!!!
 
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #191 on: Sun 20 December, 2009 - 03:13 pm »

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like s**t".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

  
« Last Edit: Sun 20 December, 2009 - 03:15 pm by Snowfox » Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #192 on: Sun 20 December, 2009 - 06:03 pm »

 
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #193 on: Mon 21 December, 2009 - 06:48 pm »

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. ... See More

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1397
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,290



« Reply #194 on: Tue 22 December, 2009 - 01:11 pm »

 
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #195 on: Tue 5 January, 2010 - 11:51 pm »

 What is the difference between girls/woman aged:
eight, eighteen, twenty eight, thirty eight, forty eight,
fifty eight, sixty eight and seventy eight ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. ... See More
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???



A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I went to the doctor today," she says, "and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old arse?" "Honestly dear," she replies, "your nam...e never came up."
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #196 on: Wed 6 January, 2010 - 12:09 am »

ha!
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #197 on: Wed 6 January, 2010 - 01:03 am »

According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #198 on: Wed 6 January, 2010 - 01:16 am »

George Bush is being giving his daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

My girlfriend just text me saying: "I'm about to watch Titanic, Tissues at the ready!"
My Reply was: "I'm about to watch the Hannah Montana Movie, Tissues at the ready!"

She hasn't replied...

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth. It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames

Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #199 on: Wed 6 January, 2010 - 09:44 am »

man lying in bed after having sex with his new Thai wife.She keeps stroking his cock,he says "d'you like my cock that much?" she replies "No,i just miss mine!"

hear about the Irish EXORCISM.a mother had to call in the devil to get the priest out of her son

 As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.... See More

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

##################################################################################


man lying in bed after having sex with his new Thai wife.She keeps stroking his cock,he says "d'you like my cock that much?" she replies "No,i just miss mine!"

##################################################################################

hear about the Irish EXORCISM.a mother had to call in the devil to get the priest out of her son
Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5 6 ... 10 Go Up Print 
Jump to:  


Login with username, password and session length


Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines
All Content © 2007 The Last Post all rights reserved
Page created in 0.226 seconds with 20 queries.