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Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 59697 times)
Brain
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« Reply #300 on: Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:28 pm »

 yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh
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« Reply #301 on: Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:58 pm »

the kids had a policeman come to school today and gave them a talk on drugs.

they couldn't understand him, rambling on... muttering....  stealing their play lunch
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« Reply #302 on: Fri 15 June, 2012 - 07:34 pm »

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert
or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there
is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that
God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect
sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an
apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and
I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews
but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
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« Reply #303 on: Sun 24 June, 2012 - 12:37 am »

Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear bright...until you hear them speak.
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« Reply #304 on: Tue 26 June, 2012 - 09:21 pm »

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« Reply #305 on: Tue 26 June, 2012 - 09:23 pm »

 
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« Reply #306 on: Wed 27 June, 2012 - 07:54 am »

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« Reply #307 on: Wed 27 June, 2012 - 09:47 pm »

how does moses make tea?

















hebrews it   
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« Reply #308 on: Wed 27 June, 2012 - 11:50 pm »

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was “NO!”. By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered “NO!”.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN” DEAD!"
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« Reply #309 on: Thu 2 August, 2012 - 12:22 pm »


I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official
race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a bastard" & then
off we go....
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.?
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for
two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the
wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of
diving" said they had no idea why his
snorkel and flippers did not open
 

  second to last one is a good hint for Bob to liven up his sex life 
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« Reply #310 on: Mon 12 November, 2012 - 02:44 pm »

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat..

"A thousand pardons, oh illustrious one," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well...!"
 
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« Reply #311 on: Mon 12 November, 2012 - 09:18 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #312 on: Mon 19 November, 2012 - 08:33 pm »

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Dr in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
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« Reply #313 on: Mon 19 November, 2012 - 09:13 pm »

 
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bethune
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« Reply #314 on: Tue 20 November, 2012 - 02:07 pm »

 

excellent
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« Reply #315 on: Tue 18 December, 2012 - 07:16 pm »

I'm writing this from the hospital, but don't worry the doctor says I will OK.
but I must warn you, the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name .
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« Reply #316 on: Tue 18 December, 2012 - 07:26 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #317 on: Thu 3 January, 2013 - 07:51 pm »

   Where am I?

You're in the hospital.

   What?

You're parents got tired of hearing you whine all the time.
So we surgically removed the part of the brain that allows you to make
negative comments.
How do you feel?

   Well, I can't complain ...





 
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« Reply #318 on: Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:12 pm »

*your parents
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« Reply #319 on: Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:26 pm »

*your parents
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« Reply #320 on: Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:43 pm »

*your parents

so fix it dick head!


i can't copy and paste and spell check and do everything for you!!
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« Reply #321 on: Thu 3 January, 2013 - 10:51 pm »

I don't fix it  vagina head, I just point it out
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« Reply #322 on: Fri 4 January, 2013 - 11:30 am »

 

fine! give me control so i can fix it
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« Reply #323 on: Fri 4 January, 2013 - 06:46 pm »

Or you could just read your post before you post it.  eek
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« Reply #324 on: Fri 4 January, 2013 - 06:55 pm »

but i could...


A. be too busy
ii. be too drunk
3. my glass is empty
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« Reply #325 on: Fri 4 January, 2013 - 07:01 pm »

or all of the above
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« Reply #326 on: Fri 4 January, 2013 - 07:05 pm »

my god!!   

your right!






































 
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« Reply #327 on: Sat 5 January, 2013 - 08:09 am »

my god!!   

your right!


 
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« Reply #328 on: Wed 9 January, 2013 - 10:52 am »

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible..

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! ...

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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« Reply #329 on: Wed 9 January, 2013 - 09:59 pm »

A new cowboy in town walks into the saloon, up to the bartender and asks "I haven't seen any women in town, what do you all do for sex?"
The bartender smiles, "We have Bessie the donkey out back - just $5".
The cowboy grimaces, "That's sick."
"Up to you mate, see how you feel after a while eh."

Two months later, the man goes back into the bar "OK. Here's my $5".
"She's out back waiting - don't forget to water her though."

A few minutes later Bessie is heehawing, there is the sound of fighting and stuff breaking, and the cowboy screaming "Whoa there Bessie".

Finally, dishevelled, torn and bruised, the cowboy comes back.
"Bessie's some fighter eh."
"Yeah? Well, the rest of us just ride her to the next town."
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« Reply #330 on: Thu 25 April, 2013 - 02:15 pm »



A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
 You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

 The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

 When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

 'You are back so soon.....Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly

 The priest asked him what happened.

 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

 However, the third week was unbearable.

 We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

 One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
 It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

 The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'




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« Reply #331 on: Thu 25 April, 2013 - 02:33 pm »

 
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« Reply #332 on: Thu 25 April, 2013 - 07:04 pm »

 
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« Reply #333 on: Thu 2 May, 2013 - 10:13 pm »

 
The Last 10 pence.......
 
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
 
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
 
'No,' the woman replied.






 
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
 
 
 
 
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« Reply #334 on: Thu 9 May, 2013 - 08:25 pm »

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« Reply #335 on: Sun 12 May, 2013 - 09:14 pm »

 
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« Reply #336 on: Sat 15 June, 2013 - 07:34 pm »

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« Reply #337 on: Mon 17 June, 2013 - 09:12 pm »

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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« Reply #338 on: Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:20 pm »

groan

 Face Palm

 
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― Anton Szandor LaVey, The Satanic Bible
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« Reply #339 on: Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:21 pm »

 eek
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« Reply #340 on: Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:30 pm »

 eek
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« Reply #341 on: Wed 26 June, 2013 - 06:38 pm »

Nanny was standing on the railing of the cruise ship, holding on tightly to her hat so it wouldn't blow off in the wind...just then a man approached her.."excuse me mam," he said, "I don't mean to be forward, but did you know your dress is blowing up in the wind.".."yeah I know," said nanny,"but I need both my hands to hold onto my hat.".."but madam," he said,"I must tell u that you aren't wearing any undies and your privates are exposed."..nanny gave him an ugly look.."listen kare," she said,"anything you see down there is 85 years old..but .I just bought this bloody hat yesterday!"
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« Reply #342 on: Thu 27 June, 2013 - 07:02 pm »


A little boy Goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,

We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

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« Reply #343 on: Thu 27 June, 2013 - 07:53 pm »

 
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« Reply #344 on: Fri 28 June, 2013 - 07:08 pm »

So the bartender gives it to her.



















 Badum tish
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« Reply #345 on: Sun 30 June, 2013 - 03:49 pm »

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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« Reply #346 on: Sun 30 June, 2013 - 03:56 pm »

 
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« Reply #347 on: Sun 30 June, 2013 - 04:03 pm »

A couple had been married 15 years.

One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
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« Reply #348 on: Sun 30 June, 2013 - 04:17 pm »

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
bethune
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« Reply #349 on: Fri 5 July, 2013 - 12:10 am »


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 'What was that for?' the man asked.
 The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 
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