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Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 64247 times)
Lux
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« Reply #350 on: Mon 8 July, 2013 - 07:55 pm »

  ^

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
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« Reply #351 on: Mon 8 July, 2013 - 08:01 pm »

 
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« Reply #352 on: Mon 8 July, 2013 - 08:19 pm »

 
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« Reply #353 on: Tue 9 July, 2013 - 11:21 pm »

Just had the missus tested for tourettes...came back clear...it seems I am a wanker and she does want me to f**k off.
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« Reply #354 on: Tue 16 July, 2013 - 12:04 am »

BUNNING’S JOB APPLICATION

 This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....



 NAME:
 Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

 SEX:
 Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 DESIRED POSITON:
 Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

 DESIRED SALARY:
 $150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 EDUCATION:
 Yes.

 LAST POSITON HELD:
 Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY:
 A lot less than I'm worth.

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
 My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 REASON FOR LEAVING:
 It was a crap job.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
 Any.

 PRFFERRPD HOURS:
 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
 Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
 If I had one, would I be here'?

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
 Of what?

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
 I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
 I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

 DO YOU SMOKE?:
 On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
 Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
 Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 NEAREST RELATIVE?:
 12 Kms

 DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
 Oh yes. absolutely.

 After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . .. . . ..
 About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



 As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
 "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
 I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
 "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

 I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

 My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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« Reply #355 on: Mon 22 July, 2013 - 02:53 pm »

didnt know Bob's name was Kenneth   
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« Reply #356 on: Tue 23 July, 2013 - 11:16 pm »

All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back a lot of bad memories...the last time I was 3rd in line to the throne, I nearly s**t my pants at KFC.
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« Reply #357 on: Sat 27 July, 2013 - 11:42 am »

^

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
 
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« Reply #358 on: Thu 1 August, 2013 - 11:07 pm »

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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« Reply #359 on: Thu 1 August, 2013 - 11:20 pm »

 
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« Reply #360 on: Fri 2 August, 2013 - 10:21 pm »

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« Reply #361 on: Sun 25 August, 2013 - 09:19 pm »

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« Reply #362 on: Sun 25 August, 2013 - 09:22 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #363 on: Sat 31 August, 2013 - 06:37 pm »

 





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« Reply #364 on: Sun 1 September, 2013 - 04:37 pm »

 
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« Reply #365 on: Sun 1 September, 2013 - 09:32 pm »

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke
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« Reply #366 on: Sun 1 September, 2013 - 11:24 pm »









"Tray-up b***h"

 
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« Reply #367 on: Thu 5 September, 2013 - 02:28 pm »

Todays Bible Reading...

Genesis:

'...and God promised Men that good and obedient Wives would be found in all corners of the earth'

Then he made the Earth round...



 
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« Reply #368 on: Sun 8 September, 2013 - 10:18 am »

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« Reply #369 on: Mon 14 October, 2013 - 12:55 am »

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 
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« Reply #370 on: Mon 14 October, 2013 - 12:59 am »

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
 The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
 And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'...
 'Can you give us an example?'
 'Thou shall not kill.'
 'Not kill? We're not interested..'

 So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

 Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

 Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

 Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
 'They're free.'
 'We'll take 10.'

 There. That, should p**s off just about everybody.....
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« Reply #371 on: Mon 14 October, 2013 - 07:26 am »

 
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 

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« Reply #372 on: Mon 14 October, 2013 - 06:53 pm »

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 


 Brought to you by dab   brilliant way to make her change her mind
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« Reply #373 on: Mon 14 October, 2013 - 07:35 pm »

 
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« Reply #374 on: Tue 15 October, 2013 - 08:36 am »

 Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #375 on: Fri 15 November, 2013 - 10:53 pm »

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "that's about as far as I got too".
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« Reply #376 on: Sat 16 November, 2013 - 08:44 am »

 
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« Reply #377 on: Thu 5 December, 2013 - 07:13 am »

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« Reply #378 on: Sun 8 December, 2013 - 09:14 am »

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« Reply #379 on: Mon 16 December, 2013 - 06:58 pm »

My search. I was looking for my keys.
 They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
 nothing.
 Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed
 for the car park.
 My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
 My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is
 that the car will be stolen.
 As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was
 right. The car park was empty.

 I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
 had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
 Then I made the most difficult call of all.

 "Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like
 these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

 There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then
 I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

 Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
 me."

 He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
 your bloody car."
 
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« Reply #380 on: Mon 16 December, 2013 - 07:04 pm »

...........Cinderella is now 95 years old.


 After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
 
 Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

 The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

 Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
 I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
 Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 Cinderella said,
 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

 The fairy godmother replied,
 'It is the least that I can do.
 What do you want for your second wish?'

 Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

 At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her t hat had been dormant for years

 And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

  Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
 Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 The fairy godmother said,
 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

 With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
 the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 For a few eerie moments,

 Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


 Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

 He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

oops
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« Reply #381 on: Mon 16 December, 2013 - 07:18 pm »

 
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« Reply #382 on: Fri 20 December, 2013 - 07:12 pm »

What's Forrest Gumps password?












1forest1   
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« Reply #383 on: Fri 20 December, 2013 - 11:59 pm »

 
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« Reply #384 on: Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:19 pm »

I saw a midget scaling the prison wall the other day and as he turned and sneered at me, I thought
that's a little condescending.

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« Reply #385 on: Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:20 pm »

I later heard it reported he was known as a psychic medium and police are asking people to
look out for a small medium at large
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« Reply #386 on: Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:35 pm »

 
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« Reply #387 on: Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:49 pm »

The two Ronnies did that in '79 
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« Reply #388 on: Wed 25 December, 2013 - 09:32 am »

   it's still funny   
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« Reply #389 on: Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:34 am »

With the Festive Season upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ...
I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before.
I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage
I don't know what to do with it!!
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« Reply #390 on: Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:46 am »

 eek 
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« Reply #391 on: Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:59 am »

 
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« Reply #392 on: Fri 27 December, 2013 - 07:40 pm »

 
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« Reply #393 on: Fri 27 December, 2013 - 08:56 pm »

 
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« Reply #394 on: Sat 11 January, 2014 - 01:53 am »



 

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland ....'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'


Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

 

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« Reply #395 on: Sat 11 January, 2014 - 07:30 pm »

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« Reply #396 on: Tue 14 January, 2014 - 09:46 am »

A black man and his wife are going to a
Halloween party in a couple of days, so the
husband asks his wife to go to the store and
get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night, he goes
into the bedroom and finds, laid out on the
bed, a Superman costume.

The husband calls to his wife, "What are
you doing, honey?" he says."Have you ever
heard of a Black Superman? Can you take
this back and get me something else to wear?"

The next day, the wife, not too happy,
returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The husband comes home from work and
goes into the bedroom. There, laid out on
the bed, is a Batman costume.

He yells to his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a Black Batman?
Take this s**t back and get me something
I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning, his wife goes
shopping. When the husband comes home
again from work, he finds there, laid out on
the bed, three costumes: one is a set of three
white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.

The husband yells again to his wife,
"What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells right back, "Take your
clothes off. You can put these three white
buttons on the front of yourself and go as
a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can
put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo
cookie.

And if you don't like that one, you
can stick the 2x4 up your ass and go as
a cola popsicle."
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
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« Reply #397 on: Fri 17 January, 2014 - 11:23 am »

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
 Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
 The Lord replies, "A minute."
 Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
 The Lord replies, "A penny."
 Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
 The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 
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« Reply #398 on: Wed 22 January, 2014 - 11:22 am »


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
 mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
 gives him a partial sponge bath.

 "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
 here to wash your upper body and feet."

 He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
 testicles black?"

 Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
 from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
 and pulls back the covers.
 She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
 gently in the other.

 She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
 Sir. They look fine."

 The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
 very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
 very, very closely:

 Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

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« Reply #399 on: Wed 22 January, 2014 - 11:28 am »

 
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
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