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Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 59305 times)
Collie
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« Reply #400 on: Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:19 pm »

   wouldnt you just die, if you were that nurse   
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« Reply #401 on: Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:29 pm »

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s**tload of firewood


 
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« Reply #402 on: Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:30 pm »

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way  of eating for free in restaurants.  "I go in at well past9.00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this  evening."
 So the priest books them into a restaurant and come2.00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says:  "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

 Face Palm
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« Reply #403 on: Sat 1 February, 2014 - 11:24 am »

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
bar_stool
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all; I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then
you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
 
 "But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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« Reply #404 on: Sat 1 February, 2014 - 11:28 am »

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« Reply #405 on: Sat 1 February, 2014 - 01:33 pm »

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
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« Reply #406 on: Mon 3 February, 2014 - 02:06 pm »

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." 
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« Reply #407 on: Thu 13 February, 2014 - 10:39 pm »

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

 The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."


 
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« Reply #408 on: Thu 13 February, 2014 - 10:44 pm »

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« Reply #409 on: Fri 14 March, 2014 - 09:28 pm »




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« Reply #410 on: Wed 14 May, 2014 - 08:07 pm »

An american doctor said, "ya'll know medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another and have him looking for work in 6wks."

...the english doc laughed, "by gosh thats nothing..we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

...the ozzy flyin doctor grinned, "nah mate," he said, "we can take half a heart out of 1 person,put it in another and have them both looking for work in 2wks."

...Doctor Ropata shook his head with a cheeky grin, "pfft thats nothing bro," he said,"we just took this fulla with no brain..made him prime minister..and now the whole country's looking for work!"
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« Reply #411 on: Wed 14 May, 2014 - 08:36 pm »

 Face Palm
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« Reply #412 on: Sun 18 May, 2014 - 12:13 am »

http://www.hauraki.co.nz/video/karl-stefanovic-reads-out-inappropriate-kiwi-sheep-joke-on-air


 
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« Reply #413 on: Fri 20 June, 2014 - 11:59 am »

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

 Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

 Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
 The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

 The voice came once more,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

 She stopped, looked skyward, and said
 "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

 The voice replied,
 "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

 Face Palm
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« Reply #414 on: Fri 20 June, 2014 - 12:01 pm »


 


A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company...
 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

 Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened.. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da.. '

 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

 The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
 accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
 Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

 He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

 'Now wot da fock would you say?'

 
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« Reply #415 on: Wed 2 July, 2014 - 07:08 pm »

https://soundcloud.com/radiohauraki/the-hauraki-breakfast-jeremy-wells-mike-hosking-rant-july-2-2014
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« Reply #416 on: Sat 2 August, 2014 - 11:33 am »





The $20.00...


 


 


 

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter.


In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


 


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling
nearly $1 million.


 

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut!



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
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« Reply #417 on: Sun 3 August, 2014 - 03:13 pm »

A healing minister was having a group payer and healing session. People turned up in their hundreds.
After hours of prayer the minister chose 2 people to heal.
They were introduced to the congregation.
Mary was crippled from birth and John had a stutter.
"My brothers and sisters" said the minister, "by the power of God and our prayer I will cure out two bretheren here before you"
He turned 1st to Mary laid his hands on her head and said,"Mary by the power of God I cure you, show your faith and throw away your crutchers."
The he turned to Jonh, laid his hands on his head and said, "Jonh by the power of God, I loosen your tongue and cure you."
Then thrusting a microphone in front of John he continued, "John, show your faith and say something for all to hear."
John replied " M_m_m_Mary's f_f_f_fallen over." (sic)

 
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« Reply #418 on: Sun 3 August, 2014 - 03:33 pm »

 
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« Reply #419 on: Sun 3 August, 2014 - 07:48 pm »

A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after an 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it, when she realises the mistake she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says "Well that's great...some ahole's got my pen."   
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« Reply #420 on: Sat 9 August, 2014 - 07:26 pm »



 
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« Reply #421 on: Sat 9 August, 2014 - 08:52 pm »

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« Reply #422 on: Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:05 pm »

I've never talked about this before, but I really need your advice.

 I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

 My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

 Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

 Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

 It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.



 Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?


 
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« Reply #423 on: Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:06 pm »

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.

 The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

 He said, “We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

 The clerk winked, ”You want the 'Bridal'?”

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

 "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
 
 
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« Reply #424 on: Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:11 pm »

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« Reply #425 on: Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:34 pm »

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« Reply #426 on: Tue 9 September, 2014 - 09:31 pm »

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ........ and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

Dead fly..

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**t
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« Reply #427 on: Sat 13 September, 2014 - 10:09 pm »

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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« Reply #428 on: Sat 13 September, 2014 - 10:20 pm »

 
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« Reply #429 on: Fri 26 September, 2014 - 10:59 am »



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« Reply #430 on: Fri 26 September, 2014 - 11:27 pm »

What do Isis and little miss muffet have in common?

They both have curds in their whey

 
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« Reply #431 on: Sat 4 October, 2014 - 02:54 pm »

 
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« Reply #432 on: Sat 11 October, 2014 - 11:10 pm »




Now THAT was funny!!
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« Reply #433 on: Fri 17 October, 2014 - 09:08 am »

 
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« Reply #434 on: Fri 17 October, 2014 - 07:23 pm »



too soon?
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« Reply #435 on: Sun 21 December, 2014 - 06:16 pm »

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!”
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« Reply #436 on: Wed 31 December, 2014 - 09:05 am »

That one still makes me giggle

 Can picture it all too well.   
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« Reply #437 on: Mon 12 January, 2015 - 07:17 pm »

a_1181_20150103230337
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« Reply #438 on: Fri 16 January, 2015 - 11:11 am »

A young boy from Invercargill wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
The boy decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When New Zealand post received the letter to God, in heaven, they decided to send it to the prime minister John Key.
John Key suddenly thought brownie points and this would make him look like a saint in the press, he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill Mr Key thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
When the postie delivered the letter with the money to the boy he was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Wellington, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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« Reply #439 on: Mon 26 January, 2015 - 03:59 pm »

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see."

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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« Reply #440 on: Tue 27 January, 2015 - 06:42 pm »

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a liter of milk, a dozen eggs, a carton of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a jar of coffee, and a package of streaky bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
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« Reply #441 on: Sat 31 January, 2015 - 07:07 pm »

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« Reply #442 on: Mon 23 March, 2015 - 07:27 pm »

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« Reply #443 on: Wed 8 April, 2015 - 10:39 am »

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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« Reply #444 on: Tue 14 April, 2015 - 02:16 pm »

  thats really bad
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« Reply #445 on: Thu 23 April, 2015 - 08:02 pm »

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« Reply #446 on: Wed 10 June, 2015 - 09:36 pm »



 Badum tish
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« Reply #447 on: Thu 11 June, 2015 - 02:19 am »

i was reading a report the other day, it said 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
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« Reply #448 on: Thu 11 June, 2015 - 06:14 am »

f**k I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to get that  Face Palm
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« Reply #449 on: Thu 11 June, 2015 - 07:35 pm »

If you ever feel powerless just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
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