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Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 59633 times)
The Fat Controller™
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« Reply #450 on: Thu 11 June, 2015 - 07:36 pm »

eek

















and TOPSIES
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« Reply #451 on: Fri 19 June, 2015 - 04:00 pm »


A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

 What are you doing?" she exclaimed.


 The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

 Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

 "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

 The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

 A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

 "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

 He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Obi Wan Kanobi said. "I have never seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Little did Obi Wan realize he was describing the National party.
Artaxerxes
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kiss my ass!


« Reply #452 on: Sat 20 June, 2015 - 01:56 am »

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve when she walked up to him after she was created by God?
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Whoa! Stand back. I don't know how big this is gonna get!
 
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« Reply #453 on: Wed 1 July, 2015 - 03:54 pm »

Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
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« Reply #454 on: Wed 1 July, 2015 - 08:20 pm »

Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  eek
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Artaxerxes
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kiss my ass!


« Reply #455 on: Wed 1 July, 2015 - 09:28 pm »

Three guys were in a bar drinking and arguing about which of them had the best job.

The first one is a cop and he says "I've got the best job in the world because I get to sit on the side of the road with a radar gun and issue speeding tickets and boss people about."

The second one says "That's nothing! I'm a plastic surgeon and I've got the best job in the world because I get to handle women's boobies and make them look better than before."

The third guy speaks up and says "I'm a genetic engineer and I've got the coolest job in the world. We take cells from living things and clone them and make new body parts and stuff. Why, just the other day we took cells from a dead man's anus and succeeded in cloning them to create a six foot ahole."

"What the hell would you do with a six foot ahole?" asked the cop.

Says the genetic engineer "we put them on the side of the road with radar gun."
 
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« Reply #456 on: Wed 1 July, 2015 - 09:42 pm »

Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  eek
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« Reply #457 on: Thu 2 July, 2015 - 08:08 am »

Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.
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Collie
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« Reply #458 on: Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:00 am »

Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.
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Collie
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« Reply #459 on: Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:01 am »

Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  eek
     
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Collie
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« Reply #460 on: Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:02 am »

Three guys were in a bar drinking and arguing about which of them had the best job.

The first one is a cop and he says "I've got the best job in the world because I get to sit on the side of the road with a radar gun and issue speeding tickets and boss people about."

The second one says "That's nothing! I'm a plastic surgeon and I've got the best job in the world because I get to handle women's boobies and make them look better than before."

The third guy speaks up and says "I'm a genetic engineer and I've got the coolest job in the world. We take cells from living things and clone them and make new body parts and stuff. Why, just the other day we took cells from a dead man's anus and succeeded in cloning them to create a six foot ahole."

"What the hell would you do with a six foot ahole?" asked the cop.

Says the genetic engineer "we put them on the side of the road with radar gun."
 
 
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« Reply #461 on: Thu 2 July, 2015 - 06:38 pm »

Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.
Brought to you by dab
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Collie
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« Reply #462 on: Fri 24 July, 2015 - 02:22 pm »

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack Flag duct- taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere, a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

 
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« Reply #463 on: Fri 24 July, 2015 - 02:47 pm »

  
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“Blessed are the destroyers of false hope, for they are the true Messiahs - Cursed are the god-adorers, for they shall be shorn sheep!”
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« Reply #464 on: Sat 22 August, 2015 - 11:06 pm »


A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.  I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

 
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« Reply #465 on: Sun 23 August, 2015 - 01:34 pm »

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son."

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"
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« Reply #466 on: Mon 28 September, 2015 - 05:03 pm »

SLEEPING WITH MICK
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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Mr Nice Guy
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« Reply #467 on: Mon 28 September, 2015 - 07:42 pm »

 Badum tish
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Frankly
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« Reply #468 on: Thu 8 October, 2015 - 11:59 am »

This Guy walks into a Bar and has a 6 foot long Alligator under his arm and he carries the Gator up to the bar....put's it on the bar and yells over to the Barterner....Hey Bartender....give me a Drink!!

The Bartender looks at the Gator and say's to the man...."I am NOT serving you so get this damn Alligator off my Bar!!"

The man with the Gator say's...."Oh...you mean JIMMY? Jimmy is a tame Alligator he wouldn't hurt anyone...so how about a Jack and Coke?"...and the man throws down a U.S. $100 Bill.

The Bartender say's...."How the HELL do I know for sure JIMMY here won't bite anyone?"

The man with the Gator say's..."OK...you want me to PROVE Jimmy's tame? Watch this!"

The man open's up the Alligators mouth...pulls out his penis and put's it into the alligators mouth...closes the mouth and starts SLAPPING AND SPANKING AND SLAPPING THE GATOR!!! He open's the Gators mouth and pulls out his Penis and say's..."LOOK AT THAT!!! NOT A SCRATCH!!"

The Bartender say's..."Oh sure. Jimmy won't bite YOU because your his Master but what about anyone else here in the bar?"

The guy with the Alligator turns around and say's....."HEY!! ANYONE ELSE HERE WANNA TRY THIS!!??"

I cute girl in the back of the room raises her hand and say's....."OK...I will try it but please just don't SLAP ME SO HARD!!!"
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« Reply #469 on: Sun 21 February, 2016 - 09:51 am »

Most people have 32 teeth.
Drug addicts have 6.
How does one go from 32 to 6?
Come on, guys, this is simple meth.
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Brain
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« Reply #470 on: Sun 21 February, 2016 - 05:29 pm »

Badum tish
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Lux
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« Reply #471 on: Mon 22 February, 2016 - 05:20 pm »

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

f**k 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.... I don't f**king care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know... Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly
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« Reply #472 on: Wed 29 June, 2016 - 07:34 pm »

I was at the bank this morning, waiting in the queue, there was an Asian woman who was in front of me trying to exchange Yen for Dollars. It was obvious she was getting annoyed, she asked the teller "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat Dolla of Yen, today I only get hunat eighty Dolla, why it change?" The teller replies "Fluctuations" The Asian woman says "Well fluc you white people too"!!!
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Brain
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« Reply #473 on: Thu 30 June, 2016 - 10:07 pm »

 
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« Reply #474 on: Mon 19 December, 2016 - 01:32 pm »

A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.
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« Reply #475 on: Sat 31 December, 2016 - 09:58 am »

Yeah if it was consensual that's a pretty sick joke
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