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Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 59405 times)
Red
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« on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 03:09 pm »

 

Letter to the IRS...
Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer
 
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« Reply #1 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:24 pm »

 
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« Reply #2 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:36 pm »

 
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« Reply #3 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:38 pm »

Tough crowd.   
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« Reply #4 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:46 pm »

 






















*smitey* for the lame joke
« Last Edit: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:47 pm by Stu » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:52 pm »

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« Reply #6 on: Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:56 pm »


*smitey* for the lame joke

:c**t:








 
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cylllyyy cylindra
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« Reply #7 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:39 am »

Was that really a joke of the day?      yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh


 
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« Reply #8 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:49 am »

'Sad Misguided Attempt At Humour' of the day? eek
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Red
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« Reply #9 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:52 am »

   I'll refrain.
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cylllyyy cylindra
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« Reply #10 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:59 am »

  I'll refrain from joke telling.



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« Reply #11 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 09:00 am »

   yeah, that's what I meant.
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« Reply #12 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 10:09 am »

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having

 a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she  said, 'Daddy,
look at

 this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.



 Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck  her tiny
fingers in

 my mouth and said ,

 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'

 Pretending to eat them..



 I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the

 bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.



 I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'



 She replied,

 'What happened to my bogey?'

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« Reply #13 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 10:10 am »

     yucky!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.


So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it.

So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk,
“Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
 The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”
 



 
« Last Edit: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 10:13 am by Collie » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: Fri 28 August, 2009 - 07:07 pm »

now that one i like!
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« Reply #15 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 01:56 pm »

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.













The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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« Reply #16 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 02:04 pm »

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« Reply #17 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 02:08 pm »

sn****r
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« Reply #18 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 04:22 pm »

What did you call me? eek
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PINKY
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« Reply #19 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 08:13 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #20 on: Sat 29 August, 2009 - 09:04 pm »

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« Reply #21 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 02:23 am »

*sn****rs again*  u silly!
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« Reply #22 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 04:10 am »

right ... you for it now, missy
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« Reply #23 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 12:59 pm »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
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« Reply #24 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 01:28 pm »

Brought to you by dab
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« Reply #25 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 03:11 pm »

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« Reply #26 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 06:42 pm »

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« Reply #27 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:31 pm »

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"


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« Reply #28 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:34 pm »

 
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« Reply #29 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:36 pm »

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« Reply #30 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 10:31 pm »

eek
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« Reply #31 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 11:00 pm »

i got txted one today.....
a maori family just moved in next door and the 3 kids challenged me to a water fight so im txting you while i wait for the jug to boil eek
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« Reply #32 on: Sun 30 August, 2009 - 11:09 pm »

 
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« Reply #33 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 02:27 am »

 
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« Reply #34 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:31 am »

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Lacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will
monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 eek
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« Reply #35 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:34 am »

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

 
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« Reply #36 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:37 am »

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

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cylllyyy cylindra
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« Reply #37 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 12:23 pm »

 
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« Reply #38 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 11:27 pm »

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
 
 
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« Reply #39 on: Mon 31 August, 2009 - 11:31 pm »

 

 
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« Reply #40 on: Tue 1 September, 2009 - 10:51 am »

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« Reply #41 on: Tue 1 September, 2009 - 08:52 pm »

i love it!my brother does s**t like that if i take too long at a shop,once he asked the checkout chick if try the condoms on to see if the fit,another time he had a poor young woman searching frantically out the back for an "extra medium" shirt!
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« Reply #42 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:24 pm »

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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« Reply #43 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:36 pm »

 
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« Reply #44 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:39 pm »

 
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« Reply #45 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 04:09 pm »

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« Reply #46 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 05:21 pm »

f**k it wasn't all that bad............................Was it?  eek
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« Reply #47 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:21 pm »

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« Reply #48 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:45 pm »

eek fark ... there's 40 seconds I will never be able to get back
« Last Edit: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:45 pm by Alium McSqueakyPants » Logged

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« Reply #49 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:54 pm »

good joke.... turn the character into a computer nerd and it will be awesome!!

 
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