Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
Thu 19 October, 2017 - 12:02 am
Home Help Login Register Chat Personal Messages Logout
News: Unread Posts Since Your Last Visit


+  Last Post
|-+  General Category
| |-+  Fun Stuff
| | |-+  Joke Of The Day:
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 10 Go Down Print
Author Topic: Joke Of The Day:  (Read 59335 times)
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1375
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,945


« Reply #50 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 07:10 pm »

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
Logged
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1375
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,945


« Reply #51 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 07:54 pm »

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
        with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some
        apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
        for swimming when it was built.
        One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look
        it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
        gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
        As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
        with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
        women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the
        women aware of his presence.
        At once, they all went to the deep end.
        One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
        leave."
        The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you
        young ladies swim
        naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
        Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #52 on: Mon 7 September, 2009 - 10:23 pm »

Brought to you by dab
Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,476


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #53 on: Wed 9 September, 2009 - 06:04 pm »

In a Class,The teacher handed out life saver lollies (5 flavours)  the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 
 

 
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #54 on: Wed 9 September, 2009 - 09:13 pm »

love it!
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #55 on: Wed 9 September, 2009 - 10:31 pm »

Brought to you by dab
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #56 on: Thu 10 September, 2009 - 05:30 pm »


 A man asked a waiter to  take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting  alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.   
So the  waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the  gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the  sender with a nod of his head. 
 



She  stared at the wine  coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then  decided to  send a reply to him by a note. 
 



The  waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note  from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. 

The  note read: 

'For  me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in  your garage, a  million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your  pants'. 
 



After  reading the note, the man decided to compose one of  his own in  return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed  him to deliver it to the lady. 
 

It  read: 

'Just  to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be,  I have  a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo  in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .  There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and  portfolio. But, not even  for a  woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three  inches.   Just  send the  bottle back' 

Logged
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1375
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,945


« Reply #57 on: Thu 10 September, 2009 - 07:39 pm »

 

Logged
Stu
Site Admin
******

Karma: 1527
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 49,824


AssHoly Internet Bastard


« Reply #58 on: Thu 10 September, 2009 - 08:42 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #59 on: Thu 10 September, 2009 - 08:46 pm »

Brought to you by dab
Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,476


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #60 on: Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:21 pm »

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started Swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, s**t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairscrying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1375
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,945


« Reply #61 on: Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:32 pm »

 

an oldie but a goody
Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,476


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #62 on: Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:40 pm »

I've been reading jokes, having a chuckle, quite a few are old ones but still make you laugh...



SHAKY LADY !!!!

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll
remember this story:


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the
store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering
she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry
many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a
pppinkk onne ,
ttenn inchessss llong aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by
baatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do' She asks:
' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabb***h
offffff?'
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #63 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 03:53 am »

 eek
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
PaganRaven
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1062
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 43,940


earth is not home to me


« Reply #64 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:14 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged

I can hear the raven sing .... a spiritual glow envelops, medicine power develops ... as the raven sings.
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #65 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:25 pm »

*shudder*
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
PaganRaven
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1062
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 43,940


earth is not home to me


« Reply #66 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:36 pm »

yes, thats what she was doing a lot of 
Logged

I can hear the raven sing .... a spiritual glow envelops, medicine power develops ... as the raven sings.
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #67 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 02:12 pm »

ignore
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
cylllyyy cylindra
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 784
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12,172



« Reply #68 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 04:32 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged

Ask a cylly question get a cylly answer.   cylllyyy cylindra
Brain
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1375
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 59,945


« Reply #69 on: Sat 12 September, 2009 - 06:21 pm »

 
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #70 on: Sun 13 September, 2009 - 12:19 am »

allways loved that joke
Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,476


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #71 on: Wed 16 September, 2009 - 06:14 pm »

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s**tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 



 eek



...




...




...




Must only apply to men, women don't have hairy arses
 
Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #72 on: Mon 21 September, 2009 - 01:18 pm »

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 
Logged
Wolfdini
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 262
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,923


Keep it Simple........


WWW
« Reply #73 on: Mon 21 September, 2009 - 04:02 pm »

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s**tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 



 eek



...




...




...




Must only apply to men, women don't have hairy arses
 
hmmm.....I know this one...............................


 Brought to you by dab
Logged

   dum-de-doo!
Wolfdini
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 262
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,923


Keep it Simple........


WWW
« Reply #74 on: Mon 21 September, 2009 - 04:04 pm »

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 

hey - I'm blonde...could be a good way to earn a little extra cash!!!

Good idea - thanks Redfry!!


 
Logged

   dum-de-doo!
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #75 on: Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:28 am »

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
--
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?""I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur - be careful".
--
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks."I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser."
--
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says "Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99."
--
Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, throws three nails on the desk - and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
--
The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #76 on: Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:34 am »

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
--
Guy goes into crowded bar and has to stand next to a really nasty looking drunk. He orders a drink and after it comes he smells a god awful smell coming from the drunk. So he ask him "Did you fart?" The drunk says he didn't. A minute or two later the smell hits him again and even worse that before. A real gagger. He asks the drunk again did you fart. He says no, but the smell was making his eyes water and his nose to run so he asks "Did you s**t yourself? The drunk replies, "Yes I did." So the guy asks him why don't you go clean yourself up. He says, "Cause I'm not through yet!"

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a s**t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious..."

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
 
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #77 on: Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:38 am »

21 REASONS NOT TO HAVE KIDS

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The old tight fisted farmer married a young bride. Soon she became pregnant. The farmer took his wife to the doctor. He asked the doctor, "How much is this going to cost?" The doctor replied, "With prenatal care, hospital stay…." "Just give me the bottom line," said the farmer. The doctor replied, "Around $5,000." "WHAT!?" said the farmer. "I've birthed enough animals myself, I think we'll just rely on good old Mother Nature." With that the farmer and his too trusting wife left.

About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."

WHAT SHE SAYS: I think of you as a brother.
TRANSLATION: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'

WHAT SHE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages.
TRANSLATION: I don't want to do my dad.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
TRANSLATION: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

WHAT SHE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now.
TRANSLATION: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I've got a boyfriend.
TRANSLATION: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I don't date men where I work.
TRANSLATION: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

WHAT SHE SAYS: It's not you, it's me.
TRANSLATION: It's you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career.
TRANSLATION: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm celibate.
TRANSLATION: I've sworn off only the men like you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: Let's be friends.
TRANSLATION: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #78 on: Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:43 am »

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth.

"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.

The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.

After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings.

After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more".

The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"

Logged
Collie
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1982
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 57,476


Airyfairy Inc.


« Reply #79 on: Sat 26 September, 2009 - 12:55 am »

Da Vinci Code...

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:


                                   
It was considered a unique find and the writings were
said to be at least three thousand years old!

                                 

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.



The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews

The audience applauded enthusiastically.


                           
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick.
« Last Edit: Sat 26 September, 2009 - 12:56 am by Collie » Logged

The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.
Stu
Site Admin
******

Karma: 1527
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 49,824


AssHoly Internet Bastard


« Reply #80 on: Sat 26 September, 2009 - 08:22 am »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #81 on: Sat 26 September, 2009 - 09:18 am »

 
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #82 on: Mon 28 September, 2009 - 10:10 pm »

A woman brought her very limp duck, Cuddles, into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his #20 stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm very sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

(Moral of the story: When you see a doctor, you must always be ready for a shock. If not his prognosis, then it has to be your bill)
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #83 on: Wed 30 September, 2009 - 08:40 pm »

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read: 

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life..

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day
 
 
Logged
Archie
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 382
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 14,167



« Reply #84 on: Wed 30 September, 2009 - 09:55 pm »

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.


'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*ck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!


Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #85 on: Wed 30 September, 2009 - 09:59 pm »

 
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #86 on: Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:07 am »

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing...
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #87 on: Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:08 am »

So they buried Debbie.



 
Logged
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #88 on: Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:09 am »

eek eek eek eek
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #89 on: Thu 1 October, 2009 - 04:11 pm »

 eek
Logged
Butterfly Angel
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: -427
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 8,138



« Reply #90 on: Thu 1 October, 2009 - 04:28 pm »

 Brought to you by dab
Logged
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #91 on: Mon 5 October, 2009 - 11:22 am »

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 
Logged
smile4me
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 315
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,785



« Reply #92 on: Mon 5 October, 2009 - 05:56 pm »

       Brought to you by dab
Logged
willowbridge
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 327
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,760


La Vie Est Merde


« Reply #93 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:02 am »

    yucky!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.


So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it.

So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk,
“Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
 The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”
 



 
Brought to you by dab  classic, loved that one!
Logged

if you can't say anything nice - then keep your trap shut!
willowbridge
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 327
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,760


La Vie Est Merde


« Reply #94 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:17 am »

the new science teacher came into the classroom and said to the 1st year students, now next week, i want you al to bring in something to do with first aid,
Next lesson, tommy came in and showed off his elastoplasts, well done said the teacher
Johnny then came in and produced a bottle of cough mixture, excellent said the teacher
martin then exhibited his bandages, very good said the teacher,

finally, william then came through the door dragging a huge object with him, what on earth is that said the teacher? it's grandads iron lung said william, well that great said the teacher, but what did grandad say when you brought that in?

Not much says william, his face went blue and he just said aaarrrgghh.
Logged

if you can't say anything nice - then keep your trap shut!
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #95 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:52 am »

Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #96 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:09 am »

If I don't make it, Willz, you can have my sense of humour eek
Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
Red
Supreme Loser
******

Karma: 1395
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 35,277



« Reply #97 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:11 am »

 
Logged
The Fat Controller™
Buzzard
*******

Karma: 1112
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 79,994



« Reply #98 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:13 am »

Logged

1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
willowbridge
Supreme Mistress
*****

Karma: 327
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 7,760


La Vie Est Merde


« Reply #99 on: Tue 6 October, 2009 - 10:00 am »

you'll make it ok big lad, jesus doesn't want you for a sunbeam for at least another 30 years 
Logged

if you can't say anything nice - then keep your trap shut!
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 10 Go Up Print 
Jump to:  


Login with username, password and session length


Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines
All Content © 2007 The Last Post all rights reserved
Page created in 0.156 seconds with 21 queries.