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bethune
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« on: Wed 23 June, 2010 - 04:20 am »

Shelia accompanied her husband to the Doctors office.
After the checkup, the Doctor took her aside and said,

'Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die'.

'First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

Second, at lunch time, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal and dont burden him with household chores.

Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every need in bed'.

On the way home in the car, Bruce turned to Shelia and asked,
'So, I saw the Doctor talking to you and he seemed serious. What did he tell you?'

'That you're going to die' she replied.
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« Reply #1 on: Wed 23 June, 2010 - 06:59 am »

 
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PaganRaven
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earth is not home to me


« Reply #2 on: Wed 23 June, 2010 - 09:44 am »

 
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Re-instated Gov
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... off you go then. And don't forget my tea!


« Reply #3 on: Wed 23 June, 2010 - 05:13 pm »

 
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Coach
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« Reply #4 on: Thu 24 June, 2010 - 10:15 pm »

What happened next? Did he divorce the lying cow, find someone who gave a s**t about him, and lived happily ever after?


I like that ending better.
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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype.
bethune
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« Reply #5 on: Fri 25 June, 2010 - 02:46 am »

No he didn't divorce Shelia.

There's more to come....
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« Reply #6 on: Fri 25 June, 2010 - 02:53 am »

yay
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bethune
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« Reply #7 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 02:23 am »

Bruces favourite breakfast was brains but Shelia couldn't stomach the thought of eating something that came out of an animals head.
She's much rather have an egg.













  will you just shush-up  pingu - he'll hear you!
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« Reply #8 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 02:54 am »

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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype.
bethune
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« Reply #9 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 03:04 am »

 Whadda ya mean?
 Angel
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« Reply #10 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 03:08 am »

 

username: ๏̯͡๏ [penguin]﴿ ™
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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype.
bethune
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« Reply #11 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 03:26 am »

That behaviour will get you nowhere.




 Whats that ?
No, he'll be fine. He just needs to get over himself.
No, we dont kick his arse. That's not nice.
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« Reply #12 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 03:32 am »

http://www.cs.rochester.edu/~kautz/Courses/244autumn2008/humor-penguin-logic.jpg
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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype.
bethune
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« Reply #13 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 03:48 am »

eh?
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« Reply #14 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 10:57 am »

That behaviour will get you nowhere.




 Whats that ?
No, he'll be fine. He just needs to get over himself.
No, we dont kick his arse. That's not nice.
I see you've fitted in here perfectly! 
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« Reply #15 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 10:57 am »

fit in HERE










eek uh, wait ...
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« Reply #16 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 11:01 am »

*smitey. 
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The Fat Controller™
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« Reply #17 on: Sat 26 June, 2010 - 11:01 am »

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO      
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1121 (+2087/-966) 
BoB exist in his dog.

       
bethune
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« Reply #18 on: Sat 10 July, 2010 - 08:23 pm »

Bruce snored loudly - so loudly that Shelia would say 'I swear Bruce, one day you'll snore your guts up!'
This went on for years, until one day Shelia couldn't take it any more.
She went to the butchers that afternoon and bought a sheeps heart, some chicken livers and some pigs kidneys and, that night, while Bruce was sleeping, arranged them around Bruces head on his pillow.
The next morning, Bruce stumbled down to breakfast, ashen-faced.
'Why Bruce,' Shelia asked, 'whatever is the matter?'
'You're not going to believe this Shelia! I always thought you were winding me up, but no! You were right! This morning I woke up to find that I'd snored all me guts up!'
'No!' said Shelia. 'Let's get you to a hospital!'
'Nah, I'm ok now' he said. 'By the grace of God, and with the help of a toothbrush, I got them all back down'.
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« Reply #19 on: Mon 19 July, 2010 - 09:17 am »

 Sheila buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite Bruce.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till Bruce says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

Services will be held Saturday, 2pm, Baxter Funeral Home
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This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype.
bethune
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« Reply #20 on: Mon 19 July, 2010 - 11:59 am »

 
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bethune
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« Reply #21 on: Tue 10 August, 2010 - 08:14 pm »

Shelia died and Bruce, in a rare sensitive moment, decided to put a notice in the paper.
'Shelia died' it read.
'Look mate' said the newspaperman, 'you can say more than that. You get a total of 6 free words for a death notice.'
So Bruce changed the wording to read ' Shelia died. Tractor for sale.'

But Bruce wasn't cut out for life without a woman and was very lonely.
He placed another notice in the newspaper.
'Woman wanted for companionship. Must be good looking, able to cook, clean, gut fish and have own boat. Send picture of boat.'
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bethune
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« Reply #22 on: Mon 18 October, 2010 - 12:37 am »

A man came into bruces Barber Shop and enquired how long it would be before Bruce was free.
"An hour" replied Bruce and the man said he'd come back later.
He didn't return till the following day, when he asked the same question and was told 'an hour and a half', before he disappeared again.
This went on for a week until Bruce was so curious that he sent his assistant to follow the man and find out where he went.
The assistant was back within a couple of minutes and reported 'Boss, he nips around to your place'!
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bethune
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« Reply #23 on: Sat 13 November, 2010 - 01:19 am »

They were sitting by the fire with a steaming cup of coffee each, relaxing after a hard days work.
Blues dog was licking his private parts and Bruce watched him enviously.
'Y'know' he said, 'I've always wanted to be able to do that.'
'Doesn't bother me,' said the over generous Blue.
'But I'd pat him a bit first. He can be a bit vicious at times.'
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