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General Category => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: Red on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 03:09 pm



Title: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 03:09 pm
 

Letter to the IRS...
Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:24 pm
 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:36 pm
 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:38 pm
Tough crowd.   :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:46 pm
 :tumbleweed:






















*smitey* for the lame joke :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:52 pm
:tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 27 August, 2009 - 04:56 pm
:tumbleweed:
*smitey* for the lame joke :p

:c**t:








 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:39 am
Was that really a joke of the day?      :yeah:


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:49 am
'Sad Misguided Attempt At Humour' of the day? :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:52 am
 :monkey:  I'll refrain.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 08:59 am
:monkey:  I'll refrain from joke telling.



:run:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 09:00 am
 :lmfao:  yeah, that's what I meant.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 10:09 am
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having

 a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she  said, 'Daddy,
look at

 this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.



 Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck  her tiny
fingers in

 my mouth and said ,

 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'

 Pretending to eat them..



 I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the

 bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.



 I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'



 She replied,

 'What happened to my bogey?'



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 10:10 am
 :hehehe:    yucky!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.


So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it.

So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk,
“Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
 The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”
 



 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 28 August, 2009 - 07:07 pm
now that one i like!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 01:56 pm
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.













The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

:run:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 02:04 pm
:tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 02:08 pm
sn****r


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 04:22 pm
What did you call me? :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PINKY on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 08:13 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 29 August, 2009 - 09:04 pm
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 02:23 am
*sn****rs again*  u silly!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 04:10 am
:karate: right ... you for it now, missy


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 12:59 pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 01:28 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 03:11 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 06:42 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:31 pm
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"


:twitch:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:34 pm
 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 09:36 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 10:31 pm
:eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 11:00 pm
i got txted one today.....
a maori family just moved in next door and the 3 kids challenged me to a water fight so im txting you while i wait for the jug to boil :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 30 August, 2009 - 11:09 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 02:27 am
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:31 am
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Lacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will
monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:34 am
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 09:37 am
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 12:23 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 11:27 pm
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
 
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 31 August, 2009 - 11:31 pm
 :lmao:

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Tue 1 September, 2009 - 10:51 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 1 September, 2009 - 08:52 pm
i love it!my brother does s**t like that if i take too long at a shop,once he asked the checkout chick if try the condoms on to see if the fit,another time he had a poor young woman searching frantically out the back for an "extra medium" shirt!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:24 pm
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:36 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 01:39 pm
 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 04:09 pm
:tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 05:21 pm
f**k it wasn't all that bad............................Was it?  :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:21 pm
:nc:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:45 pm
:eek: fark ... there's 40 seconds I will never be able to get back


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 06:54 pm
good joke.... turn the character into a computer nerd and it will be awesome!!

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 07:10 pm
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 07:54 pm
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely
        with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some
        apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up
        for swimming when it was built.
        One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look
        it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
        gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
        As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
        with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
        women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the
        women aware of his presence.
        At once, they all went to the deep end.
        One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
        leave."
        The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you
        young ladies swim
        naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
        Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Mon 7 September, 2009 - 10:23 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 9 September, 2009 - 06:04 pm
In a Class,The teacher handed out life saver lollies (5 flavours)  the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 
 

 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 9 September, 2009 - 09:13 pm
love it!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Wed 9 September, 2009 - 10:31 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Thu 10 September, 2009 - 05:30 pm

 A man asked a waiter to  take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting  alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.   
So the  waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the  gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the  sender with a nod of his head. 
 



She  stared at the wine  coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then  decided to  send a reply to him by a note. 
 



The  waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note  from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. 

The  note read: 

'For  me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in  your garage, a  million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your  pants'. 
 



After  reading the note, the man decided to compose one of  his own in  return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed  him to deliver it to the lady. 
 

It  read: 

'Just  to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be,  I have  a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo  in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .  There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and  portfolio. But, not even  for a  woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three  inches.   Just  send the  bottle back' 



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 10 September, 2009 - 07:39 pm
 :lmfao:

:ok:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 10 September, 2009 - 08:42 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Thu 10 September, 2009 - 08:46 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:21 pm
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started Swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, s**t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairscrying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Coco Pops


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:32 pm
 :lmfao:

an oldie but a goody


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 11 September, 2009 - 11:40 pm
I've been reading jokes, having a chuckle, quite a few are old ones but still make you laugh...



SHAKY LADY !!!!

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll
remember this story:


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the
store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering
she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry
many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a
pppinkk onne ,
ttenn inchessss llong aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by
baatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do' She asks:
' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabb***h
offffff?'


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 03:53 am
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:14 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:25 pm
*shudder*


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 01:36 pm
yes, thats what she was doing a lot of  :monkey:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 02:12 pm
:ignore: :tmi: :vomit:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 04:32 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sat 12 September, 2009 - 06:21 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sun 13 September, 2009 - 12:19 am
allways loved that joke


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 16 September, 2009 - 06:14 pm
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s**tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 



 :eek:



...




...




...




Must only apply to men, women don't have hairy arses
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 21 September, 2009 - 01:18 pm
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Wolfdini on Mon 21 September, 2009 - 04:02 pm
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s**tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 



 :eek:



...




...




...




Must only apply to men, women don't have hairy arses
 :lmfao:
:wtf: hmmm.....I know this one...............................


 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Wolfdini on Mon 21 September, 2009 - 04:04 pm
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 :hehehe:

hey - I'm blonde...could be a good way to earn a little extra cash!!!

Good idea - thanks Redfry!! :ok:


 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:28 am
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
--
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?""I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
--
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur - be careful".
--
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks."I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser."
--
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says "Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99."
--
Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, throws three nails on the desk - and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
--
The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:34 am
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
--
Guy goes into crowded bar and has to stand next to a really nasty looking drunk. He orders a drink and after it comes he smells a god awful smell coming from the drunk. So he ask him "Did you fart?" The drunk says he didn't. A minute or two later the smell hits him again and even worse that before. A real gagger. He asks the drunk again did you fart. He says no, but the smell was making his eyes water and his nose to run so he asks "Did you s**t yourself? The drunk replies, "Yes I did." So the guy asks him why don't you go clean yourself up. He says, "Cause I'm not through yet!"

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a s**t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious..."

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
 
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:38 am
21 REASONS NOT TO HAVE KIDS

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The old tight fisted farmer married a young bride. Soon she became pregnant. The farmer took his wife to the doctor. He asked the doctor, "How much is this going to cost?" The doctor replied, "With prenatal care, hospital stay…." "Just give me the bottom line," said the farmer. The doctor replied, "Around $5,000." "WHAT!?" said the farmer. "I've birthed enough animals myself, I think we'll just rely on good old Mother Nature." With that the farmer and his too trusting wife left.

About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."

WHAT SHE SAYS: I think of you as a brother.
TRANSLATION: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'

WHAT SHE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages.
TRANSLATION: I don't want to do my dad.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
TRANSLATION: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

WHAT SHE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now.
TRANSLATION: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I've got a boyfriend.
TRANSLATION: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I don't date men where I work.
TRANSLATION: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

WHAT SHE SAYS: It's not you, it's me.
TRANSLATION: It's you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career.
TRANSLATION: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm celibate.
TRANSLATION: I've sworn off only the men like you.

WHAT SHE SAYS: Let's be friends.
TRANSLATION: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 22 September, 2009 - 08:43 am
A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth.

"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.

The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.

After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings.

After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more".

The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 26 September, 2009 - 12:55 am
Da Vinci Code...

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

(http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f367/mamamia08/Symbols.gif)
                                   
It was considered a unique find and the writings were
said to be at least three thousand years old!

                                 

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

(http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f367/mamamia08/Symbols.gif)

The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them

(http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f367/mamamia08/Symbols.gif)

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

(http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f367/mamamia08/Symbols.gif)
                           
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sat 26 September, 2009 - 08:22 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sat 26 September, 2009 - 09:18 am
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Mon 28 September, 2009 - 10:10 pm
A woman brought her very limp duck, Cuddles, into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his #20 stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm very sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

(Moral of the story: When you see a doctor, you must always be ready for a shock. If not his prognosis, then it has to be your bill)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 30 September, 2009 - 08:40 pm
The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read: 

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life..

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day
 
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Wed 30 September, 2009 - 09:55 pm
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.


'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*ck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!




Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 30 September, 2009 - 09:59 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:07 am
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing...


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:08 am
So they buried Debbie.



 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Thu 1 October, 2009 - 09:09 am
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Thu 1 October, 2009 - 04:11 pm
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Thu 1 October, 2009 - 04:28 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 5 October, 2009 - 11:22 am
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Mon 5 October, 2009 - 05:56 pm
 :lmao:  :lmfao:  :lmfao:  :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: willowbridge on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:02 am
:hehehe:    yucky!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.


So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it.

So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk,
“Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
 The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”
 



 
:hahaha:  classic, loved that one!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: willowbridge on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:17 am
the new science teacher came into the classroom and said to the 1st year students, now next week, i want you al to bring in something to do with first aid,
Next lesson, tommy came in and showed off his elastoplasts, well done said the teacher
Johnny then came in and produced a bottle of cough mixture, excellent said the teacher
martin then exhibited his bandages, very good said the teacher,

finally, william then came through the door dragging a huge object with him, what on earth is that said the teacher? it's grandads iron lung said william, well that great said the teacher, but what did grandad say when you brought that in?

Not much says william, his face went blue and he just said aaarrrgghh.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 07:52 am
:tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:09 am
If I don't make it, Willz, you can have my sense of humour :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:11 am
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 09:13 am
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: willowbridge on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 10:00 am
you'll make it ok big lad, jesus doesn't want you for a sunbeam for at least another 30 years  :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 6 October, 2009 - 10:56 am
:woohoo:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 7 October, 2009 - 11:07 pm
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.
 
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,

let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
 
She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,

she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'


(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:20 pm
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:29 pm
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 12 October, 2009 - 04:55 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Meggy on Mon 12 October, 2009 - 05:05 pm
 :embarrassed:















 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 12 October, 2009 - 09:51 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 13 October, 2009 - 07:19 pm
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once ------- by mistake.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Ken said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, Ken," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath Ken said, "I do!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,  "Take the poison."



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 13 October, 2009 - 07:25 pm
THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
 
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:02 pm
The Two nuns.
This is Brilliant


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little
while later...
SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.




SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:11 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:53 pm
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw the lady in the cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Nanny,
are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around for a cheaper one. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mummy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mummy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister .........''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the shops.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mummy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.....'

'I love my mummy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!''

'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mummy could give it to my sister . He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much.... But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

'My mummy loves white roses.'

As I saw the old lady returning, I left with my basket as to not cause a scene.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started...

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. 
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young
woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical
state. The family had to decide whether to remove the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever..... The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Send this message to others, or

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.


For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us.... go ahead and delete this... For the rest of us... pass this on...

The value of a man or woman resides in what he or she gives, not in what they are capable of receiving
 
 
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 14 October, 2009 - 10:55 pm
ok i know thats not a joke but i thought it was lovely,it made me cry and i thought you all might enjoy it too


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Thu 15 October, 2009 - 04:48 pm
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a
twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.





      Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and
shouted, 'Let's go.'





      The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over
the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires
on the hillsides.'





      'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable
News,' he responded.  'And I need to get some close up shots.'

      The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.  Finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight
Instructor?



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 15 October, 2009 - 08:26 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:18 am
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my
car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts
to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down
looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"
 
  Nursery Rhymes won't die out if we keep them updated.


The future of nursery rhyme

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
No doubt, it's Global Warming.
 
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry..
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay..

Jack and Jill 
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill , the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill 
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:22 am
 :hahaha:     brilliant   :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: willowbridge on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 11:27 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 12:09 pm
Mary had a little Lamb,
it's fleece was Black as Charcoal.
Every time it jumped a Fence.
Sparks flew out his ahole.

 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:45 pm
 :lmao:  :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:46 pm
mary had a little lamb
she allso had a duck
she put them on the mantel piece
to see if they would f f f f f
ffffall off.....


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:53 pm
Mary had a little lamb
that wouldn't stop it's bleatin'
she took it down the garden path
and kicked it's f**king teeth in

 :eek: 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 03:55 pm
 :lmao:




Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 06:19 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 16 October, 2009 - 10:38 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PINKY on Sat 17 October, 2009 - 06:00 pm
Mary had a little lamb
that wouldn't stop it's bleatin'
she took it down the garden path
and kicked it's f**king teeth in

 :eek: 


  :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 19 October, 2009 - 01:27 pm
A police officer pulled a car over on State Highway 1 about 2 km south of Hamilton.

When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Auckland to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A well and truelly drunk boy, from Hamilton, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Mon 19 October, 2009 - 03:22 pm
funny!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Tue 27 October, 2009 - 01:05 pm
A man boarded an airplane in Melbourne with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Melbourne, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...



 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Wed 28 October, 2009 - 07:00 pm
A man is driving down the road and breaks
down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >



                              The monks graciously accept him, feed him
dinner, and even fix his car. As the man
tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
monks what the sound was, but they say, We
can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way. Some
years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks again accept him, feed him, and
even fix his car..

                              >


                              >

                              That night, he hears the same strange
mesmerizing sound that he had heard years
earlier.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The next morning, he asks what the sound
was, but the monks reply,

                              We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man says, all right, all right. I'm
dying to know.

                              If the only way I can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?


                              >

                              The monks reply, you must travel the earth
and tell us how many blades of grass there
are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become
a monk.

                              >

                              > >

                              The man sets about his task.. Some
forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, I have travelled the earth and devoted
my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth.


                              >
                              >

                              >

                              The monks reply,! congratulations, you are
correct, and you are now considered ! a monk
..

                              We shall now show you the way to the sound.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks lead the man to a wooden door,
where the head monk says, the sound is
behind that door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man reach for the knob, but the door is
locked. He asks, May I have th! e key
                              >



                              The monks give him the key, and he opens the
door.

                              >

                              >

                              Behind the wooden door is another door made
of stone... The man requests the key to the
stone door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. And so it went on until
the man had gone through doors of
emerald,...

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              Finally, the monks say, This is the key to
the last door .

                              >


                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man is relieved to be at the end.. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is astonished to find the
source of that strange sound. It is truly an
amazing and unbelievable sight

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              .. But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.

:run:



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 29 October, 2009 - 10:11 am
you f**ker!!!


 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 29 October, 2009 - 10:13 am
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 29 October, 2009 - 12:04 pm
A man is driving down the road and breaks
down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay
the night?
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >



                              The monks graciously accept him, feed him
dinner, and even fix his car. As the man
tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
monks what the sound was, but they say, We
can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              The man is disappointed but thanks them
anyway and goes about his merry way. Some
years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks again accept him, feed him, and
even fix his car..

                              >


                              >

                              That night, he hears the same strange
mesmerizing sound that he had heard years
earlier.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The next morning, he asks what the sound
was, but the monks reply,

                              We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man says, all right, all right. I'm
dying to know.

                              If the only way I can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?


                              >

                              The monks reply, you must travel the earth
and tell us how many blades of grass there
are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become
a monk.

                              >

                              > >

                              The man sets about his task.. Some
forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, I have travelled the earth and devoted
my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are
371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth.


                              >
                              >

                              >

                              The monks reply,! congratulations, you are
correct, and you are now considered ! a monk
..

                              We shall now show you the way to the sound.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks lead the man to a wooden door,
where the head monk says, the sound is
behind that door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man reach for the knob, but the door is
locked. He asks, May I have th! e key
                              >



                              The monks give him the key, and he opens the
door.

                              >

                              >

                              Behind the wooden door is another door made
of stone... The man requests the key to the
stone door.

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. And so it went on until
the man had gone through doors of
emerald,...

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

                              >

                              >


                              >

                              Finally, the monks say, This is the key to
the last door .

                              >


                              >

                              >

                              >

                              The man is relieved to be at the end.. He
unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is astonished to find the
source of that strange sound. It is truly an
amazing and unbelievable sight

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              >

                              .. But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.

:run:



 :eek:       :devilangel:    arrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh  no fair!!   :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Tue 3 November, 2009 - 07:19 pm
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
 
 Mick says “how you doin’?”
 
 Paddy says “do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
 
 Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .
 
 He says “your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you.”
 
 They say “get away wit ya.. prove it.”
 
 Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”
 
 Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what's the point of fokin’ one?”


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 3 November, 2009 - 07:40 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PINKY on Tue 3 November, 2009 - 08:14 pm
 :rolleyes:

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Wed 4 November, 2009 - 07:17 am
It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms  Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was  After Eight. She was from Quality Street ; he was an Old Jamaican.  They  walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.

They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had A Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said 'Sure...Take 5 '. They  Decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.

On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero.
He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.

She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on.  He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! ' At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole', she said. 'And I'm the one with the Nuts', he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They felt Smooth & Creamy.  He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.

They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & nuts, But then she said 'Stop!'

He thought she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard .

He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising... So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled Over for a Flake.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.


Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V...D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!!.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Wed 4 November, 2009 - 07:19 am
:eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 5 November, 2009 - 12:34 pm
senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newsagent loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newsagent employee, "today is Saturday.

The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,



"Well f**k me dead ... that's why no one was at church today"...


Title: oldies but goodies
Post by: PaganRaven on Fri 6 November, 2009 - 06:26 pm
 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
 things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
 published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
 these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
 sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me?
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
 attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Guess.
 _____________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
 people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
 to rephrase that?
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
 autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 
 And the best for last:
 
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
 pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
 began the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
 practicing law


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sat 7 November, 2009 - 05:04 am
oral


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sat 7 November, 2009 - 06:50 am
how to be annoying online1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the f**king manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

DormitoryWhen you rearrange the letters:Dirty Room EvangelistWhen you rearrange the letters:Evil's Agent DesperationWhen you rearrange the letters:A Rope Ends It The Morse CodeWhen you rearrange the letters:Here Come Dots Slot MachinesWhen you rearrange the letters:Cash in 'em AnimosityWhen you rearrange the letters:Is No Amity Mother-in-lawWhen you rearrange the letters:Woman Hitler Snooze AlarmsWhen you rearrange the letters:Alas! No More Z's A Decimal PointWhen you rearrange the letters:I'm a Dot in Place Eleven plus twoWhen you rearrange the letters:Twelve plus one And for the grand finale:PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USAIt can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and usingeach letter only once) into:TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am'
is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? What hair colour do they put on the passports of bald men? If European mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. Ever wonder about those people who spend £ 1...00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making
a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one in 5 enjoys it? Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo? If a shop is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."..... Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession." Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

A Young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"' The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more it is sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said That her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even More.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she Pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched Made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap."

Answerphone in a mental Hospital


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line

so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the

mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you

which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no

one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a

representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,

date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y

press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or

before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory

loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have

short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to

talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't

be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


   
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I
WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.






Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 9 November, 2009 - 11:58 am
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Mon 9 November, 2009 - 12:02 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 9 November, 2009 - 06:26 pm
 :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 9 November, 2009 - 06:33 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 11 November, 2009 - 07:48 pm
   An  Irish man went to confession  in St. Patrick's  Catholic  Church. 
'Father',  he confessed, 'it has  been one month since my  last confession. I had sex with  Fanny Green  twice last month.'
The  priest told  the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go  out and say three Hail  Mary's.'
Soon  thereafter, another Irish man entered  the  confessional. 'Father, it has been two months   since my last confession. I've had sex with  Fanny  Green twice a week for the past two  months.'
This  time, the priest questioned,  'Who is this Fanny  Green?'
'A new woman in  the neighborhood,' the sinner  replied.
'Very  well,' sighed the priest. Go and say  ten Hail  Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the   priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a   tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous  redheaded  woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes  of every man in  the church fell upon her as she  slowly sashayed up the  aisle and sat down  right   in  front of the  priest. Her dress was green and  very short, and she wore  matching, shiny  emerald-green shoes.
The priest and  the altar  boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and   matching green shoes sat with her legs spread   slightly apart, but just enough to realize she   wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest  turned  to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that  Fanny  Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't  believe his  ears but managed to calmly reply,  'No Father,  I  think it's just a  reflection from  her shoes'.   


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 11 November, 2009 - 07:52 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Wed 11 November, 2009 - 08:00 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Wed 11 November, 2009 - 09:18 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 13 November, 2009 - 06:19 pm
on top!

If you
> > yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
> > would have produced enough sound energy to heat
> > one cup of coffee.
> > (Hardly
> > seems worth it.)
> >
> >
> > If
> > you farted consistently for 6 years and 9
> > months, enough gas is produced to create the
> > energy of an atomic bomb.
> > (Now
> > that's more like it!)
> >
> >
> > The
> > human heart creates enough pressure when it
> > pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30
> > feet.
> > (O.M.G.!)
> >
> >
> >
> > A
> > pig's orgasm lasts 30
> > minutes.
> > (In
> > my next life, I want to be a
> > pig.)
> >
> >
> >
> > A cockro
> > ach will live nine days without its head before
> > it starves to death.
> > (Creepy.)
> > (I'm
> > still not over the pig.)
> >
> >
> >
> > Banging
> > your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
> > hour
> >
> > (Don't
> > try this at home,maybe at
> > work)
> >
> >
> >
> > The male
> > praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
> > attached to its body. The female initiates sex
> > by ripping the male's head
> > off.
> > (Honey,
> > I'm home. What the...?!)
> >
> >
> >
> > The flea
> > can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
> > human jumping the length of a football
> > field.
> >
> > (30
> > minutes..lucky pig! Can you
> > imagine?)
> >
> >
> > The
> > catfish has over 27,000 taste
> > buds.
> >
> > (What could
> > be so tasty on the bottom of a
> > pond?
> >
> >
> >
> > Some
> > lions mate over 50 times a
> > day.
> > (Ok,
> > I'm going off the 'pig' idea a
> > bit)
> >
> > Butterflies
> > taste with their feet.
> >
> > (Something I
> > always wanted to know.)
> >
> >
> > The
> > strongest muscle in the body is the
> > tongue.(Hmmmmmm.......)
> >
> >
> >
> > Right-handed
> > people live, on average, nine years longer than
> > left-handed people.
> >
> > (If
> > you're ambidextrous, do you split the
> > difference?)
> >
> >
> >
> > Elephants
> > are the only animals that cannot
> > jump.
> > (Okay, so
> > that would be a good thing)
> >
> >
> > A
> > cat's urine glows under a black
> > light.
> >
> > (I
> > wonder who was paid to figure that
> > out?)
> >
> > An
> > ostrich's eye is bigger than its
> > brain.
> > (I
> > know some people like that.)
> >
> > Starfish
> > have no brains
> >
> > (I know some
> > people like that too.)
> >
> > Polar
> > bears are left-handed.
> >
> > (If
> > they switch, they'll live a lot
> > longer)
> >
> >
> >
> > Humans
> > and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> > for pleasure.
> >
> > (What
> > about that pig??)]



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sat 14 November, 2009 - 10:14 am
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:03 pm
The $2 Pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a $2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question... What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? '

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that bloody thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 :lol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:07 pm
twenty tree... that be nineteen more times  .... lucky Mary  :irish:


:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Sun 22 November, 2009 - 10:47 pm
:iknow:                    :bored:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 23 November, 2009 - 08:02 am
 :hahaha:   @ archies comment


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 23 November, 2009 - 02:45 pm
Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Mon 23 November, 2009 - 11:06 pm
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.



Stupid b***h...why else would I buy dog food??


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 23 November, 2009 - 11:08 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 30 November, 2009 - 11:09 am
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 30 November, 2009 - 12:57 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 1 December, 2009 - 01:56 pm
 :hahaha:  bugger!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Thu 3 December, 2009 - 04:58 pm

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Sun 6 December, 2009 - 03:04 pm

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.  He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. 

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!!


 :hahaha:   K for that one Elffy!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Sun 6 December, 2009 - 03:06 pm
3 guys go to a ski lodge, not enough rooms, they have to share a bed. In the mid of the night, the guy on the right wakes up & says, I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! The guy on the left wakes up, & unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up & says, That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sun 6 December, 2009 - 04:22 pm
 :lmfao: k bak atcha


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Sun 6 December, 2009 - 04:36 pm
 :jump:  :yeah:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 7 December, 2009 - 11:05 am
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Mon 7 December, 2009 - 07:21 pm
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks...

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 7 December, 2009 - 07:46 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Tue 8 December, 2009 - 07:40 am
 :lmao: nice


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Re-instated Gov on Tue 8 December, 2009 - 10:31 am
 :yeah:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Sat 12 December, 2009 - 11:30 am
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer... EVERY one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen must have been female reindeer.

We should have known, that ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and

* not get lost *


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sat 12 December, 2009 - 01:15 pm
ONIONS &  CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
' Dad , how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The  father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, they are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make  you cry'.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the  daughter said,
' Mum , how many kinds of 'willies' are  there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After 50, it is like a Chris tmas Tree'.

'A Chris tmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Sat 12 December, 2009 - 01:24 pm
This is a PC Christmas 2009, not a Christmas as it used to be.
 

 

New Christmas Carol Guidelines

 

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
NativityScene.jpg
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro- fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
jbells3.gif
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
WatchingShephards.jpg
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.


Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
donkey.gif
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.

To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
ThreeWisemen.jpg
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.


We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks.

Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel’s hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

merry-rudolph.gif
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:34 pm
THE  PARROT



              A woman went to a pet shop & immediately



              Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..



              There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.



              "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.



              The owner looked at her and said,



              "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of Prostitution



              And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

              The woman thought about this, but decided



              She had to have the bird any way.



              She took it home and hung the bird's cage up



              In her living room and waited for it to say something.



              The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,





              "New house, new madam."

              The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,



              But then thought "that's really not so bad."



              When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school



              The bird saw and said,



              "New house, new madam, new girls."



              The girls and the woman were a bit offended



              But then began to laugh about the situation



              Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.



              Moments later, the woman's husband Keith



              Came home from work.



              The bird looked at him and said,






              "Hi, Keith!"






Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Jericho on Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:38 pm
 :lmao:  :hahaha:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sun 13 December, 2009 - 02:43 pm
 :hehehe:   that would twist ya knickers a tad


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 14 December, 2009 - 11:11 am
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Mon 14 December, 2009 - 01:31 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 02:24 pm
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 02:39 pm
 :hahaha:  :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:27 pm
that's not funny   :p


but this is:


Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.


He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.


He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"


He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,


Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.


He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker... He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:


"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:50 pm
 :lmao:  thats hilarious Whiz!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 08:54 pm
 :hehehe:  :lmfao:  :hehehe:  :hahaha:  :lmfao:  :hehehe:  :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Tue 15 December, 2009 - 09:34 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 16 December, 2009 - 12:30 pm
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

  Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 

 to give them a bigger laugh..


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:18 pm
An actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Fast Food Restaurant

...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
 
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes.? Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

And yes, this was actually written by Greg Bulmash ©1997!


1999 Darwin Awards

One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the genepool. So here are the runners-up for this year's award.

    * (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.
       
      His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
       
    *  (11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
       
    * (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.

      The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
       
    * (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal  is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
       
    * (1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
       
    * (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.

    The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

    * (28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ...

    * (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance.  Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng.
       
      Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard.  He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping
      on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
       
      Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

    * (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. 

    Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,  the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:30 pm
(Poland, 2009) One day a young man living in Wroclaw received a letter in a large envelope. One look and he knew it was THAT letter. In Poland, when a man turns 18 he must allow the medical commission to determine whether he is healthy enough to serve his country.

There are ways to avoid being conscripted. For instance, being enrolled in higher education, or providing sole financial support for a child, or suffering a serious handicap. Our boy was completely healthy, had no kids, and was not smart enough to continue his education. In short, he was destined to serve his country. And he was determined to avoid it.

The medical commission has four categories:
# A: In good health, and able to serve in the Army.
# D: Able to serve only during wartime.
# E: Completely unable to serve, even during war.
# B: Temporarily unable to pass the medical exam; e.g., recovering from an accident but expected to return to full health. B candidates must attend another medical commission in 12 months.

Our hero wanted another 12 months to find some way of cheating the Army. But how?

While playing with his cat, our hero was accidentally scratched, and bang! The idea was formed. A few serious scratches and stitches would qualify him for a deferrment. Our man decided that a small cat was not enough for him, which leads us to the Wroclaw zoo.

The incidental spectators watched in amazement as our hero strode toward the lion cage, reached inside, and started yelling at a large male lion. Provoking any animal to attack is definitely one of the dumber ideas a person might have. The King of Cats looked in amusement upon the small human being stubbornly trying to provoke a predator. But when the small human pulled its mane, the cat decided that such insolence must be punished.

Our man's plan worked better than he expected. He received not a B, but an E, ensuring that he will never be in the Army. The irate lion, you see, did not simply scratch the idiot. It used its powerful jaws to bite the man's arm off. This story was presented on Polish TV when the amputee sued his insurance company for failure to pay for the missing arm. The company asserted that it does not cover the loss of a limb due to the bite of a provoked lion.



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 16 December, 2009 - 02:31 pm
MEDICAL REPORT: I was a nurse on a busy surgical unit, and I received a report that a young patient was arriving with "severe penile lacerations." I could not imagine what this poor lad had done to injure himself. The 21-year-old patient confided that, upset by his girlfriend's unwillingness to have intimate relations, he had romanced a flower vase. Alas, in the heat of the moment the bud vase shattered, lacerating his penis.

He required emergency surgery. Afterward, the urologist told us that the boy would require a catheter for weeks, and he was unsure if his mojo would be functional. I felt sorry for the kid, but did laugh when I saw his girlfriend walking down the hall, bringing flowers.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Thu 17 December, 2009 - 12:04 pm
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's s**t . that's right, s**t!
s**t may just be the most functional word in the English language.

 
You can smoke s**t, buy s**t, sell s**t, lose s**t, find s**t, forget s**t, and tell others to eat s**t.

 
Some people know their s**t, while others can't tell the difference between s**t and shineola...

There are lucky s**ts, dumb s**ts, and crazy s**ts. There is bull s**t, horse s**t, and chicken s**t.
 You can throw s**t, sling s**t, catch s**t, shoot the s**t, or duck when the s**t hits the fan.
 
You can give a s**t or serve s**t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep s**t or be happier than a pig in s**t.
 
Some days are colder than s**t, some days are hotter than s**t, and some days are just plain s**tty.

Some music sounds like s**t, things can look like s**t, and there are times when you feel like s**t.

 
You can have too much s**t, not enough s**t, the right s**t, the wrong s**t or a lot of weird s**t.

You can carry s**t, have a mountain of s**t, or find yourself up s**t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to s**t and other times you fall in a bucket of s**t and come out smelling like a rose.
 
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your s**t, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a s**t; or not do so if you don't give a s**t!

Well, s**t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a s**t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of s**t. But, if you happened to catch a load of s**t from some s**t-head...........

Well, s**t Happens!!!
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Sun 20 December, 2009 - 03:13 pm
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like s**t".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

 :moon:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sun 20 December, 2009 - 06:03 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Mon 21 December, 2009 - 06:48 pm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. ... See More

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Tue 22 December, 2009 - 01:11 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Tue 5 January, 2010 - 11:51 pm
 What is the difference between girls/woman aged:
eight, eighteen, twenty eight, thirty eight, forty eight,
fifty eight, sixty eight and seventy eight ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. ... See More
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???



A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I went to the doctor today," she says, "and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old arse?" "Honestly dear," she replies, "your nam...e never came up."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 12:09 am
ha!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 01:03 am
According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 01:16 am
George Bush is being giving his daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

My girlfriend just text me saying: "I'm about to watch Titanic, Tissues at the ready!"
My Reply was: "I'm about to watch the Hannah Montana Movie, Tissues at the ready!"

She hasn't replied...

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth. It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 09:44 am
man lying in bed after having sex with his new Thai wife.She keeps stroking his cock,he says "d'you like my cock that much?" she replies "No,i just miss mine!"

hear about the Irish EXORCISM.a mother had to call in the devil to get the priest out of her son

 As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.... See More

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

##################################################################################


man lying in bed after having sex with his new Thai wife.She keeps stroking his cock,he says "d'you like my cock that much?" she replies "No,i just miss mine!"

##################################################################################

hear about the Irish EXORCISM.a mother had to call in the devil to get the priest out of her son


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 11:49 am
**nice k=jokes foxy!!!!**

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 12:24 pm
 :lmao:  love it Smurfe!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 02:09 pm
Let's test the way you think :-

thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'?

Nah, me neither.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 06:47 pm
George Bush is being giving his daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

My girlfriend just text me saying: "I'm about to watch Titanic, Tissues at the ready!"
My Reply was: "I'm about to watch the Hannah Montana Movie, Tissues at the ready!"

She hasn't replied...

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth. It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames



 :hahaha:

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 10:13 pm
Let's test the way you think :-

thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'?

Nah, me neither.


 :embarrassed:     :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 10:23 pm
Postal Service Recall

 
(http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc41/awhinakingi/insults/image002.gif)
 

New Zealand Post created a stamp with a picture of the Māori Electorate, Hone Harawira.

 


The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. 

This enraged Hone, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.5 million of tax payers money,
a special commission presented the following findings:

 

1. The stamp is in perfect order.


2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 10:28 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 10:51 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 11:01 pm

I tend to avoid mens toilets.

Thats where all the nobs hang out.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 6 January, 2010 - 11:59 pm
she was so blond she
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Butterfly Angel on Thu 7 January, 2010 - 11:12 pm
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50... See More
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f**king good because I want a cheeseburger."



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Fri 8 January, 2010 - 11:48 am
lol +k!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 19 January, 2010 - 09:59 pm
FISHING TRIP WITH JACK DANIELS

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
And carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Archie on Sun 14 February, 2010 - 09:51 pm
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for
dinner.   Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they
should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good
and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they
discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should
meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet
and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they
should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheelchair
accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they
should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen & agree that would it would be a great
idea because they have never been there before.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bytey on Wed 17 February, 2010 - 12:20 am
Postal Service Recall

 
(http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc41/awhinakingi/insults/image002.gif)
 

New Zealand Post created a stamp with a picture of the Māori Electorate, Hone Harawira.

 


The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. 

This enraged Hone, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.5 million of tax payers money,
a special commission presented the following findings:

 

1. The stamp is in perfect order.


2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

I like thAT ONE LOL

That c**t doesnt even look maoiru really....he looks f**kin asian


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 2 March, 2010 - 09:44 pm
 A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
 
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
 
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.
 
 
A few weeks later,
he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...
it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma

 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 2 March, 2010 - 09:46 pm
man test

1.  If you are over forty and you have a  washboard stomach, you are a queer.  It means you haven't sucked back

 enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

 

 2.  If you have a cat, you are a homo.  A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches

 itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed.  And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here!

 I said get your ass over here, Killer!'  Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!'  Jeeez you're so queer.

 

 3.  If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord.  A

 straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits.  Anything else and you are a homo in

 training and undeniably a fag.

 

 4.  If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual

 relationship.  A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

 

 5.  If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle.  A straight man will never be

 heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'.  If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

 

 6..  If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice

 cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes.  A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that

 crap.  If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay.  And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

 

 7.  If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle.  A man only puts both

 hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off.  The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio

 station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

 

 8.  If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then

 you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.


 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 18 August, 2010 - 11:25 am
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”



Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Wed 18 August, 2010 - 12:04 pm
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb,"the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours.

She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.

She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Wed 18 August, 2010 - 12:20 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Wed 18 August, 2010 - 12:40 pm
fricken ow :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 15 September, 2010 - 11:53 pm
A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.



 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 15 September, 2010 - 11:53 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Thu 16 September, 2010 - 12:08 am
:lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 16 September, 2010 - 12:15 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 18 October, 2010 - 11:45 am
not as funny as the last one, but made me smile...

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE!


 
A FOURSOME OF GUYS IS WAITING AT THE MEN'S TEE WHILE A FOURSOME OF WOMEN Is**tTING FROM THE LADIES' TEE.   THE LADIES ARE TAKING THEIR TIME.

WHEN THE FINAL LADY IS READY  TO HIT HER BALL, SHE HACKS IT 10 FEET. THEN SHE GOESOVER AND WHIFFS IT COMPLETELY.  THEN SHE HACKS IT ANOTHER TEN FEET AND FINALLYHACKS IT ANOTHER  FIVE FEET.

SHE LOOKS UP  AT THE PATIENTLY WAITING MEN AND SAYS APOLOGETICALLY,  "I GUESS ALL THOSE  f**kING LESSONS  I TOOK OVER THE WINTER DIDN'T HELP."

ONE OF THE MEN IMMEDIATELY  RESPONDS,  "WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN "GOLF LESSONS" INSTEAD!"

NEVER EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO DUCK.  HE WAS 43.......

 
 


Title: Let's Just Offend Everyone.....
Post by: Red on Wed 10 November, 2010 - 09:50 pm
 


I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'









Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.......... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
 








 I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' what I thought it did '
 







 A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , you're bound to lose it eventually '
 






Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'









 
 I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'









 
 Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 









I took my Biology exam last Friday.. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.
 
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 10 November, 2010 - 09:53 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Wed 10 November, 2010 - 10:50 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 10 November, 2010 - 11:15 pm
 :lmfao:   thats terrible!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 19 November, 2010 - 09:42 pm
who said there wasn't enough room in here....

(http://acidcow.com/pics/20101119/acid_picdump_11.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 22 November, 2010 - 08:15 am
 :eek:   he's wearing a Chemists jacket


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 22 November, 2010 - 08:16 am
Well to be fair ... that cat's gonna need aspirin ... :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 20 December, 2010 - 04:02 pm
Things you are only allowed to say at Xmas

1 . I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more


 :mkiss:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 20 December, 2010 - 05:55 pm
:twitch:

merry christmas??


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 20 December, 2010 - 06:39 pm
:slap: smartassmousicle!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 20 December, 2010 - 10:58 pm
 :hehehe:   yup


Title: Re: ORDINARY Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 9 March, 2011 - 05:41 pm
A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Wed 9 March, 2011 - 06:44 pm
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 9 March, 2011 - 08:45 pm
ooooo muriel...   :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 8 July, 2011 - 02:42 am
sense of humour failure
When someone either finds an obvious joke offensive or takes it dead serious, they are said to have had a "sense of humour" failure.

However, it cannot be applied to those who never had a sense of humour to start with.

This condition is more common amongst the grumpy, tired and irrationally angry sects of society, with the most common manifestation being women on their period or guys whose girlfriend is on their period.


 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Sat 9 July, 2011 - 03:31 am
NASCAR

Non
Athletic
Sport
Centred
Around
Rednecks


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Meggy on Mon 11 July, 2011 - 09:17 pm
Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at work, Paddy has a bite and spits it out. What the f**ks in that he asks? Crab paste says Murphy! It was on special at the chemist.  :embarrassed: 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Tue 12 July, 2011 - 10:59 am
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PKnightlly on Sat 23 July, 2011 - 12:53 pm
she was so blond she
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
:drunklol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PKnightlly on Sat 23 July, 2011 - 12:58 pm
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
 
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
 
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.
 
 
A few weeks later,
he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...
it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma

 
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 09:56 pm
 :eek:  :eek: really bad, you were warned :eek:  :eek:















Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven met by saint peter and michael jackson. Amy says "oh michael are you here to greet me because im a musical genius like yourself who left the last life too early?" Michael looks to saint peter and says "who is that long faced junkie b***h and where are all thse norwegian kids you promised me?"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:01 pm
 :eek:


oooooo Muriel!!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:03 pm
double whammy :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:16 pm
You're definitely going to Hull for that! :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:16 pm
One of my besties was born in Hull :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:17 pm
i knew a barman from hull who made the best martinis ever


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:18 pm
my meg is from hull :idea:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:19 pm
Mebbe she knows my besties family :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:19 pm
Snowball :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:19 pm
Like ... Snowballs from Hull :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sun 31 July, 2011 - 10:20 pm
:wtf:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 1 August, 2011 - 12:51 am
Wot? Ask her :slap:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PINKY on Mon 1 August, 2011 - 05:46 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Fri 12 August, 2011 - 08:50 pm
Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 12 August, 2011 - 08:52 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 9 September, 2011 - 10:39 pm
A rabbi walks into a New York bar with a toad on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Good heavens, where did you get that?"

The toad says, "In Brooklyn. There's hundreds of them there."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Fri 9 September, 2011 - 11:56 pm
 :thinking:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 12:08 am
:slap:
it's a joke not a question!


now stop thinking and get funny!

bet that's not the first time you've heard that...

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 10:19 am
Samoan walks into the doctors with a frog on his head.

Doc says,"How'd you get that?"

The frog says,"It started as a blackhead on my arse."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Optimus on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 10:22 am
:slap:
it's a joke not a question!


now stop thinking and get funny!

bet that's not the first time you've heard that...

 :hehehe:
i read it again sober......... makes sense now, now i dont have to  :thinking: why there are so many toads in brooklyn :tumbleweed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 11:09 am
I still don't got it and I was never pissed :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 12:55 pm
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest ?







Acne doesn't come all over your face until you're at least thirteen.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 06:47 pm
The  recession is now so bad in the USA  that the Mexicans are hiring border guards....


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sat 10 September, 2011 - 10:55 pm
Two women were playing golf.. One T'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole..
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you'd allow me to", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right.. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great!", he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sun 11 September, 2011 - 01:43 am
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sun 11 September, 2011 - 11:31 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Sun 11 September, 2011 - 01:13 pm
Two nuns were walking through the park when they came across a Scotsman,passed drunk on a park bench. One of the nuns looked at his kilt and said  to the other......."Have you ever touched a man?"

The second nun reached up under the drunk's kilt, and suddenly, a look of horror spread over her face. She pulled her arm back quickly, pulled a face, and said "Eeeeeeeeeew, it's gruesome!"






The drunk replied, "Put your hand back, lassie, it just gruesome more!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 21 November, 2011 - 01:04 am
tampax are proud to announce that every tampon they sell from the 1st of december 2011 will have the strings replaced by tinsel

.......this is for the christmas period only!!!



 :grinch:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 21 November, 2011 - 01:28 am
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 21 November, 2011 - 06:18 am
 :lol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 21 November, 2011 - 11:51 am
 :grinch:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 24 November, 2011 - 01:19 am
wot?  :hobo:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 25 November, 2011 - 11:27 am

 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 February, 2012 - 11:56 pm
To spice up her flagging sex life a woman puts on a short skirt with no knickers and sits on the sofa opposite her husband, occasionally uncrossing her legs enough
times that her husband asks "Are you wearing any panties?"

"No." she answered seductivly,

"Thank God" he said " I thought you'd sat on the cat."


 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 3 February, 2012 - 12:00 am
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.


I am still looking for a place to live.

 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 3 February, 2012 - 01:00 am
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Fri 3 February, 2012 - 10:21 am
 :lmfao:  :lmfao:  :lmfao:  :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 4 February, 2012 - 12:40 am
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said,

"get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Sat 4 February, 2012 - 12:27 pm
 :lmao:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sat 4 February, 2012 - 01:49 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 7 February, 2012 - 09:58 am
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed...


How could anyone stoop so low?

 :p



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 7 February, 2012 - 09:59 am
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...



So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Wed 8 February, 2012 - 08:24 pm
and they're coming down the home straight............



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cylllyyy cylindra on Wed 8 February, 2012 - 08:31 pm
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 8 February, 2012 - 09:57 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 8 February, 2012 - 10:21 pm
 :lmfao:

he should have had a longer coat on - that white bum is a dead giveaway as to the excitement of that race


 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Wed 8 February, 2012 - 11:50 pm
 :lmao:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 19 May, 2012 - 09:40 pm
THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!
 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights
off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and
pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
 
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!"
and she acts like she's sound asleep.
 
It Works Every Time!!
 
 
 
 
 
 

--

 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Sat 19 May, 2012 - 09:42 pm
 :lmao:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: PaganRaven on Wed 23 May, 2012 - 09:23 am

10comments (0)
The results of statistics:

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Wed 23 May, 2012 - 09:33 am
Must be a can of beer...


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 23 May, 2012 - 11:25 am

10comments (0)
The results of statistics:

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant


 :hehehe:  reckon that must be how a lot of researchers think too


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:08 pm
I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Coach on Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:11 pm
(http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii187/kslaughter_01/Icons/rimshot-1.gif)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:28 pm
 :yeah:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 24 May, 2012 - 10:58 pm
the kids had a policeman come to school today and gave them a talk on drugs.

they couldn't understand him, rambling on... muttering....  stealing their play lunch


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 15 June, 2012 - 07:34 pm
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert
or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there
is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that
God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect
sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an
apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and
I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had
three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews
but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sun 24 June, 2012 - 12:37 am
Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear bright...until you hear them speak.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 26 June, 2012 - 09:21 pm
(http://acidcow.com/pics/20120622/acid_picdump_99.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Tue 26 June, 2012 - 09:23 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Wed 27 June, 2012 - 07:54 am
(http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/205255_442557829098547_885344868_n.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 27 June, 2012 - 09:47 pm
how does moses make tea?

















hebrews it    :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Wed 27 June, 2012 - 11:50 pm
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was “NO!”. By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered “NO!”.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN” DEAD!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 August, 2012 - 12:22 pm

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official
race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a bastard" & then
off we go....
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.?
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for
two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the
wife look like she's moving during sex.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP school of
diving" said they had no idea why his
snorkel and flippers did not open
 

 :p second to last one is a good hint for Bob to liven up his sex life  :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Mon 12 November, 2012 - 02:44 pm
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat..

"A thousand pardons, oh illustrious one," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well...!"
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 12 November, 2012 - 09:18 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 19 November, 2012 - 08:33 pm
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Dr in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 19 November, 2012 - 09:13 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Tue 20 November, 2012 - 02:07 pm
 :lmfao:

excellent :awardspeech:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 18 December, 2012 - 07:16 pm
I'm writing this from the hospital, but don't worry the doctor says I will OK.
but I must warn you, the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name .


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Tue 18 December, 2012 - 07:26 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 3 January, 2013 - 07:51 pm
   Where am I?

You're in the hospital.

   What?

You're parents got tired of hearing you whine all the time.
So we surgically removed the part of the brain that allows you to make
negative comments.
How do you feel?

   Well, I can't complain ...





 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:12 pm
*your parents


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:26 pm
*your parents
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 3 January, 2013 - 08:43 pm
*your parents

so fix it dick head!
:slap:

i can't copy and paste and spell check and do everything for you!!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 3 January, 2013 - 10:51 pm
I don't fix it  vagina head, I just point it out :slap:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 4 January, 2013 - 11:30 am
 :rolleyes:

fine! give me control so i can fix it


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 4 January, 2013 - 06:46 pm
Or you could just read your post before you post it.  :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 4 January, 2013 - 06:55 pm
but i could...


A. be too busy
ii. be too drunk
3. my glass is empty


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Fri 4 January, 2013 - 07:01 pm
or all of the above :idea:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 4 January, 2013 - 07:05 pm
my god!!   :ohok:

your right!






































 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sat 5 January, 2013 - 08:09 am
my god!!   :ohok:

your right!


 :lmfao:
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 9 January, 2013 - 10:52 am
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible..

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! ...

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: smile4me on Wed 9 January, 2013 - 09:59 pm
A new cowboy in town walks into the saloon, up to the bartender and asks "I haven't seen any women in town, what do you all do for sex?"
The bartender smiles, "We have Bessie the donkey out back - just $5".
The cowboy grimaces, "That's sick."
"Up to you mate, see how you feel after a while eh."

Two months later, the man goes back into the bar "OK. Here's my $5".
"She's out back waiting - don't forget to water her though."

A few minutes later Bessie is heehawing, there is the sound of fighting and stuff breaking, and the cowboy screaming "Whoa there Bessie".

Finally, dishevelled, torn and bruised, the cowboy comes back.
"Bessie's some fighter eh."
"Yeah? Well, the rest of us just ride her to the next town."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Thu 25 April, 2013 - 02:15 pm


A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
 You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

 The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

 When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

 'You are back so soon.....Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly

 The priest asked him what happened.

 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

 However, the third week was unbearable.

 We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

 One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
 It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

 The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings either.'






Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Thu 25 April, 2013 - 02:33 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 25 April, 2013 - 07:04 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 May, 2013 - 10:13 pm
 
The Last 10 pence.......
 
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
 
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
 
 
'No,' the woman replied.






 
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
 
  :p
 
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 9 May, 2013 - 08:25 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/uTuLLM1.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sun 12 May, 2013 - 09:14 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sat 15 June, 2013 - 07:34 pm
(http://i39.tinypic.com/fth5w1.jpg)


Title: A frog goes into bank and approaches a teller
Post by: Brain on Mon 17 June, 2013 - 09:12 pm
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:20 pm
groan

 :facepalm:

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:21 pm
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 17 June, 2013 - 10:30 pm
 :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 26 June, 2013 - 06:38 pm
Nanny was standing on the railing of the cruise ship, holding on tightly to her hat so it wouldn't blow off in the wind...just then a man approached her.."excuse me mam," he said, "I don't mean to be forward, but did you know your dress is blowing up in the wind.".."yeah I know," said nanny,"but I need both my hands to hold onto my hat.".."but madam," he said,"I must tell u that you aren't wearing any undies and your privates are exposed."..nanny gave him an ugly look.."listen kare," she said,"anything you see down there is 85 years old..but .I just bought this bloody hat yesterday!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 27 June, 2013 - 07:02 pm

A little boy Goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,

We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 27 June, 2013 - 07:53 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: A lady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...
Post by: Brain on Fri 28 June, 2013 - 07:08 pm
So the bartender gives it to her.



















 :tish:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 30 June, 2013 - 03:49 pm
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sun 30 June, 2013 - 03:56 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 30 June, 2013 - 04:03 pm
A couple had been married 15 years.

One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 30 June, 2013 - 04:17 pm
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 5 July, 2013 - 12:10 am

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
 'What was that for?' the man asked.
 The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 :horse:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 8 July, 2013 - 07:55 pm
 :hehehe: ^

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 8 July, 2013 - 08:01 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 8 July, 2013 - 08:19 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Tue 9 July, 2013 - 11:21 pm
Just had the missus tested for tourettes...came back clear...it seems I am a wanker and she does want me to f**k off.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Tue 16 July, 2013 - 12:04 am
BUNNING’S JOB APPLICATION

 This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....



 NAME:
 Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

 SEX:
 Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 DESIRED POSITON:
 Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

 DESIRED SALARY:
 $150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 EDUCATION:
 Yes.

 LAST POSITON HELD:
 Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY:
 A lot less than I'm worth.

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
 My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 REASON FOR LEAVING:
 It was a crap job.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
 Any.

 PRFFERRPD HOURS:
 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
 Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
 If I had one, would I be here'?

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
 Of what?

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
 I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
 I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

 DO YOU SMOKE?:
 On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
 Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
 Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 NEAREST RELATIVE?:
 12 Kms

 DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
 Oh yes. absolutely.

 After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . .. . . ..
 About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



 As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
 "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
 I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

 The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
 "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

 I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

 My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 22 July, 2013 - 02:53 pm
didnt know Bob's name was Kenneth   :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Tue 23 July, 2013 - 11:16 pm
All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back a lot of bad memories...the last time I was 3rd in line to the throne, I nearly s**t my pants at KFC.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: suga v2.0 on Sat 27 July, 2013 - 11:42 am
:hehehe: ^

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
  :lol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Thu 1 August, 2013 - 11:07 pm
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 1 August, 2013 - 11:20 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: suga v2.0 on Fri 2 August, 2013 - 10:21 pm
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 25 August, 2013 - 09:19 pm
(http://i40.tinypic.com/168djy8.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sun 25 August, 2013 - 09:22 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sat 31 August, 2013 - 06:37 pm
 :lmfao:

(http://i44.tinypic.com/72vx37.jpg)

(http://i40.tinypic.com/2jb5jd2.png)



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sun 1 September, 2013 - 04:37 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 1 September, 2013 - 09:32 pm
Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sun 1 September, 2013 - 11:24 pm
:lmfao:

(http://i44.tinypic.com/72vx37.jpg)

(http://i40.tinypic.com/2jb5jd2.png)



"Tray-up b***h"

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Thu 5 September, 2013 - 02:28 pm
Todays Bible Reading...

Genesis:

'...and God promised Men that good and obedient Wives would be found in all corners of the earth'

Then he made the Earth round...



 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 8 September, 2013 - 10:18 am
(http://i.imgur.com/yCQ7Xf8.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 14 October, 2013 - 12:55 am
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 14 October, 2013 - 12:59 am
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
 The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
 And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'...
 'Can you give us an example?'
 'Thou shall not kill.'
 'Not kill? We're not interested..'

 So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

 Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

 Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

 Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
 'They're free.'
 'We'll take 10.'

 There. That, should p**s off just about everybody.....


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Francey on Mon 14 October, 2013 - 07:26 am
 :lmfao:
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 

:lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 14 October, 2013 - 06:53 pm
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

 A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

 The woman was angry and said, "No! F#*k off you filthy old b#st#rd."

 The tramp turned to leave and said, .... Hey ! "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 


 :hahaha:   brilliant way to make her change her mind


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Mon 14 October, 2013 - 07:35 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Tue 15 October, 2013 - 08:36 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Fri 15 November, 2013 - 10:53 pm
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "that's about as far as I got too".


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 16 November, 2013 - 08:44 am
 :devilangel:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Thu 5 December, 2013 - 07:13 am
(http://i44.tinypic.com/2d98xmp.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 8 December, 2013 - 09:14 am
(http://i42.tinypic.com/i3vr09.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 16 December, 2013 - 06:58 pm
My search. I was looking for my keys.
 They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
 nothing.
 Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed
 for the car park.
 My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
 My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is
 that the car will be stolen.
 As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was
 right. The car park was empty.

 I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
 had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
 Then I made the most difficult call of all.

 "Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like
 these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

 There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then
 I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

 Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
 me."

 He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
 your bloody car."
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 16 December, 2013 - 07:04 pm
...........Cinderella is now 95 years old.


 After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
 
 Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

 The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

 Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
 I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
 Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 Cinderella said,
 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

 The fairy godmother replied,
 'It is the least that I can do.
 What do you want for your second wish?'

 Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

 At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her t hat had been dormant for years

 And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

  Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
 Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 The fairy godmother said,
 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

 With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
 the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 For a few eerie moments,

 Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


 Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

 He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

 'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

oops :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 16 December, 2013 - 07:18 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Fri 20 December, 2013 - 07:12 pm
What's Forrest Gumps password?












1forest1   :lol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 20 December, 2013 - 11:59 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:19 pm
I saw a midget scaling the prison wall the other day and as he turned and sneered at me, I thought
that's a little condescending.



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:20 pm
I later heard it reported he was known as a psychic medium and police are asking people to
look out for a small medium at large


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Weevilgenius on Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:35 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Tue 24 December, 2013 - 06:49 pm
The two Ronnies did that in '79  :idea:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 25 December, 2013 - 09:32 am
 :idea:  it's still funny   :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:34 am
With the Festive Season upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ...
I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before.
I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage
I don't know what to do with it!!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:46 am
 :eek:  :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 27 December, 2013 - 10:59 am
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Fri 27 December, 2013 - 07:40 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Fri 27 December, 2013 - 08:56 pm
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sat 11 January, 2014 - 01:53 am


 :leprechaun:

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland ....'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'


Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

 :hehehe:



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sat 11 January, 2014 - 07:30 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Tue 14 January, 2014 - 09:46 am
A black man and his wife are going to a
Halloween party in a couple of days, so the
husband asks his wife to go to the store and
get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night, he goes
into the bedroom and finds, laid out on the
bed, a Superman costume.

The husband calls to his wife, "What are
you doing, honey?" he says."Have you ever
heard of a Black Superman? Can you take
this back and get me something else to wear?"

The next day, the wife, not too happy,
returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The husband comes home from work and
goes into the bedroom. There, laid out on
the bed, is a Batman costume.

He yells to his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a Black Batman?
Take this s**t back and get me something
I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning, his wife goes
shopping. When the husband comes home
again from work, he finds there, laid out on
the bed, three costumes: one is a set of three
white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.

The husband yells again to his wife,
"What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells right back, "Take your
clothes off. You can put these three white
buttons on the front of yourself and go as
a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can
put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo
cookie.

And if you don't like that one, you
can stick the 2x4 up your ass and go as
a cola popsicle."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 17 January, 2014 - 11:23 am
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
 Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
 The Lord replies, "A minute."
 Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
 The Lord replies, "A penny."
 Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
 The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Wed 22 January, 2014 - 11:22 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
 mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
 gives him a partial sponge bath.

 "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
 here to wash your upper body and feet."

 He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
 testicles black?"

 Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
 from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
 and pulls back the covers.
 She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
 gently in the other.

 She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
 Sir. They look fine."

 The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
 very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
 very, very closely:

 Are - my - test - results - back?"

 :lmfao:



Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 22 January, 2014 - 11:28 am
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:19 pm
 :lmao:  wouldnt you just die, if you were that nurse   :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:29 pm
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s**tload of firewood


 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 22 January, 2014 - 07:30 pm
A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way  of eating for free in restaurants.  "I go in at well past9.00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this  evening."
 So the priest books them into a restaurant and come2.00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says:  "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

 :facepalm:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 1 February, 2014 - 11:24 am
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
bar_stool
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all; I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then
you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
 
 "But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?" :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sat 1 February, 2014 - 11:28 am
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sat 1 February, 2014 - 01:33 pm
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 3 February, 2014 - 02:06 pm
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."  :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Thu 13 February, 2014 - 10:39 pm
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

 The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."


 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Thu 13 February, 2014 - 10:44 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Fri 14 March, 2014 - 09:28 pm
(http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z234/jamjars_bucket/funny-World-War-one-joke-fight.jpg)
(http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z234/jamjars_bucket/funny-World-War-one-joke-fight-sail.jpg)
(http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z234/jamjars_bucket/funny-World-War-one-joke-fight-Germ.jpg)
(http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z234/jamjars_bucket/funny-World-War-one-joke-fight-Serb-1.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 14 May, 2014 - 08:07 pm
An american doctor said, "ya'll know medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one man,put it in another and have him looking for work in 6wks."

...the english doc laughed, "by gosh thats nothing..we can take a lung out of one person,put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

...the ozzy flyin doctor grinned, "nah mate," he said, "we can take half a heart out of 1 person,put it in another and have them both looking for work in 2wks."

...Doctor Ropata shook his head with a cheeky grin, "pfft thats nothing bro," he said,"we just took this fulla with no brain..made him prime minister..and now the whole country's looking for work!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Ubu on Wed 14 May, 2014 - 08:36 pm
 :facepalm:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sun 18 May, 2014 - 12:13 am
http://www.hauraki.co.nz/video/karl-stefanovic-reads-out-inappropriate-kiwi-sheep-joke-on-air


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 20 June, 2014 - 11:59 am
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

 Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

 Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
 The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

 The voice came once more,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

 She stopped, looked skyward, and said
 "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

 The voice replied,
 "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

 :facepalm:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 20 June, 2014 - 12:01 pm

 :irish:


A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company...
 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

 Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened.. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da.. '

 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

 The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
 accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
 Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.

 He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

 'Now wot da fock would you say?'

 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Wed 2 July, 2014 - 07:08 pm
https://soundcloud.com/radiohauraki/the-hauraki-breakfast-jeremy-wells-mike-hosking-rant-july-2-2014


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 2 August, 2014 - 11:33 am




The $20.00...


 


 


 

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter.


In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


 


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling
nearly $1 million.


 

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut!



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sun 3 August, 2014 - 03:13 pm
A healing minister was having a group payer and healing session. People turned up in their hundreds.
After hours of prayer the minister chose 2 people to heal.
They were introduced to the congregation.
Mary was crippled from birth and John had a stutter.
"My brothers and sisters" said the minister, "by the power of God and our prayer I will cure out two bretheren here before you"
He turned 1st to Mary laid his hands on her head and said,"Mary by the power of God I cure you, show your faith and throw away your crutchers."
The he turned to Jonh, laid his hands on his head and said, "Jonh by the power of God, I loosen your tongue and cure you."
Then thrusting a microphone in front of John he continued, "John, show your faith and say something for all to hear."
John replied " M_m_m_Mary's f_f_f_fallen over." (sic)

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 3 August, 2014 - 03:33 pm
 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 3 August, 2014 - 07:48 pm
A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after an 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it, when she realises the mistake she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says "Well that's great...some ahole's got my pen."   


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sat 9 August, 2014 - 07:26 pm
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10172567_912683698758301_3787804801152406863_n.jpg)

 :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sat 9 August, 2014 - 08:52 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:05 pm
I've never talked about this before, but I really need your advice.

 I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

 My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

 Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

 Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

 It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.



 Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?


 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:06 pm
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.

 The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

 He said, “We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

 The clerk winked, ”You want the 'Bridal'?”

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

 "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
 
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:11 pm
:lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 18 August, 2014 - 02:34 pm
 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 9 September, 2014 - 09:31 pm
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ........ and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

Dead fly..

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**t


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Sat 13 September, 2014 - 10:09 pm
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sat 13 September, 2014 - 10:20 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Fri 26 September, 2014 - 10:59 am
(http://i1071.photobucket.com/albums/u502/tiggerno3/police-knockknock_zps44cce173.jpg) (http://s1071.photobucket.com/user/tiggerno3/media/police-knockknock_zps44cce173.jpg.html)

 :hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Fri 26 September, 2014 - 11:27 pm
What do Isis and little miss muffet have in common?

They both have curds in their whey

 :lol:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 4 October, 2014 - 02:54 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: bethune on Sat 11 October, 2014 - 11:10 pm
(http://i1071.photobucket.com/albums/u502/tiggerno3/donkey_zps2a3b70bc.jpg) (http://s1071.photobucket.com/user/tiggerno3/media/donkey_zps2a3b70bc.jpg.html)


Now THAT was funny!! :lmfao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 17 October, 2014 - 09:08 am
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Fri 17 October, 2014 - 07:23 pm


too soon? :embarrassed:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Sun 21 December, 2014 - 06:16 pm
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!”


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Wed 31 December, 2014 - 09:05 am
That one still makes me giggle

 Can picture it all too well.   :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 12 January, 2015 - 07:17 pm
a_1181_20150103230337


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Fri 16 January, 2015 - 11:11 am
A young boy from Invercargill wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
The boy decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When New Zealand post received the letter to God, in heaven, they decided to send it to the prime minister John Key.
John Key suddenly thought brownie points and this would make him look like a saint in the press, he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill Mr Key thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
When the postie delivered the letter with the money to the boy he was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Wellington, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Mon 26 January, 2015 - 03:59 pm
Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see."

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Tue 27 January, 2015 - 06:42 pm
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a liter of milk, a dozen eggs, a carton of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a jar of coffee, and a package of streaky bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sat 31 January, 2015 - 07:07 pm
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B8pP97TCIAAO-Pn.png)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Mon 23 March, 2015 - 07:27 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/9f5CWDf.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Wed 8 April, 2015 - 10:39 am
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Tue 14 April, 2015 - 02:16 pm
 :hehehe: thats really bad


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 23 April, 2015 - 08:02 pm
(http://acidcow.com/pics/20150422/acid_picdump_23.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Stu on Wed 10 June, 2015 - 09:36 pm


 :tish:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 11 June, 2015 - 02:19 am
i was reading a report the other day, it said 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Thu 11 June, 2015 - 06:14 am
f**k I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to get that  :facepalm:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Thu 11 June, 2015 - 07:35 pm
If you ever feel powerless just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: The Fat Controller™ on Thu 11 June, 2015 - 07:36 pm
:eek:

















and TOPSIES :woohoo:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Fri 19 June, 2015 - 04:00 pm

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

 What are you doing?" she exclaimed.


 The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

 Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

 "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

 The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

 A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

 "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

 He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Artaxerxes on Sat 20 June, 2015 - 01:56 am
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve when she walked up to him after she was created by God?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Whoa! Stand back. I don't know how big this is gonna get!
 :ny1:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 1 July, 2015 - 03:54 pm
Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Wed 1 July, 2015 - 08:20 pm
Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  :eek:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Artaxerxes on Wed 1 July, 2015 - 09:28 pm
Three guys were in a bar drinking and arguing about which of them had the best job.

The first one is a cop and he says "I've got the best job in the world because I get to sit on the side of the road with a radar gun and issue speeding tickets and boss people about."

The second one says "That's nothing! I'm a plastic surgeon and I've got the best job in the world because I get to handle women's boobies and make them look better than before."

The third guy speaks up and says "I'm a genetic engineer and I've got the coolest job in the world. We take cells from living things and clone them and make new body parts and stuff. Why, just the other day we took cells from a dead man's anus and succeeded in cloning them to create a six foot ahole."

"What the hell would you do with a six foot ahole?" asked the cop.

Says the genetic engineer "we put them on the side of the road with radar gun."
 :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 1 July, 2015 - 09:42 pm
Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  :eek:
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Thu 2 July, 2015 - 08:08 am
Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:00 am
Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.
:hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:01 am
Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.
I don't get it.  :eek:
:tt:     :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Thu 2 July, 2015 - 11:02 am
Three guys were in a bar drinking and arguing about which of them had the best job.

The first one is a cop and he says "I've got the best job in the world because I get to sit on the side of the road with a radar gun and issue speeding tickets and boss people about."

The second one says "That's nothing! I'm a plastic surgeon and I've got the best job in the world because I get to handle women's boobies and make them look better than before."

The third guy speaks up and says "I'm a genetic engineer and I've got the coolest job in the world. We take cells from living things and clone them and make new body parts and stuff. Why, just the other day we took cells from a dead man's anus and succeeded in cloning them to create a six foot ahole."

"What the hell would you do with a six foot ahole?" asked the cop.

Says the genetic engineer "we put them on the side of the road with radar gun."
 :lmao:
  :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Red on Thu 2 July, 2015 - 06:38 pm
Mr. Whippy was found dead today, he was discovered with a chocolate flake up his arse, hundreds and thousands over his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks, nobody is being sought in relation to the death; police think he topped himself.
:hahaha:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Fri 24 July, 2015 - 02:22 pm
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack Flag duct- taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere, a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

 :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: cathy on Fri 24 July, 2015 - 02:47 pm
 :lmao:  :lmao:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 22 August, 2015 - 11:06 pm

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.  I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

  :p


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 23 August, 2015 - 01:34 pm
A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son."

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Mon 28 September, 2015 - 05:03 pm
SLEEPING WITH MICK
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on Mon 28 September, 2015 - 07:42 pm
 :tish:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Frankly on Thu 8 October, 2015 - 11:59 am
This Guy walks into a Bar and has a 6 foot long Alligator under his arm and he carries the Gator up to the bar....put's it on the bar and yells over to the Barterner....Hey Bartender....give me a Drink!!

The Bartender looks at the Gator and say's to the man...."I am NOT serving you so get this damn Alligator off my Bar!!"

The man with the Gator say's...."Oh...you mean JIMMY? Jimmy is a tame Alligator he wouldn't hurt anyone...so how about a Jack and Coke?"...and the man throws down a U.S. $100 Bill.

The Bartender say's...."How the HELL do I know for sure JIMMY here won't bite anyone?"

The man with the Gator say's..."OK...you want me to PROVE Jimmy's tame? Watch this!"

The man open's up the Alligators mouth...pulls out his penis and put's it into the alligators mouth...closes the mouth and starts SLAPPING AND SPANKING AND SLAPPING THE GATOR!!! He open's the Gators mouth and pulls out his Penis and say's..."LOOK AT THAT!!! NOT A SCRATCH!!"

The Bartender say's..."Oh sure. Jimmy won't bite YOU because your his Master but what about anyone else here in the bar?"

The guy with the Alligator turns around and say's....."HEY!! ANYONE ELSE HERE WANNA TRY THIS!!??"

I cute girl in the back of the room raises her hand and say's....."OK...I will try it but please just don't SLAP ME SO HARD!!!"


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Sun 21 February, 2016 - 09:51 am
Most people have 32 teeth.
Drug addicts have 6.
How does one go from 32 to 6?
Come on, guys, this is simple meth.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Sun 21 February, 2016 - 05:29 pm
:tish:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 22 February, 2016 - 05:20 pm
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

f**k 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.... I don't f**king care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know... Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Wed 29 June, 2016 - 07:34 pm
I was at the bank this morning, waiting in the queue, there was an Asian woman who was in front of me trying to exchange Yen for Dollars. It was obvious she was getting annoyed, she asked the teller "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat Dolla of Yen, today I only get hunat eighty Dolla, why it change?" The teller replies "Fluctuations" The Asian woman says "Well fluc you white people too"!!!


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Brain on Thu 30 June, 2016 - 10:07 pm
 :hehehe:


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Lux on Mon 19 December, 2016 - 01:32 pm
A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.


Title: Re: Joke Of The Day:
Post by: Collie on Sat 31 December, 2016 - 09:58 am
Yeah if it was consensual that's a pretty sick joke


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